MY CHAOTIC PEACE

I am so done!

2011-08-03T16:46:00.004-07:00

I have always been a busy body. Doing everything and going every where. Well no more! I can't hack it anymore. It's exhausting! I signed the kids up for swim lessons and so that also included the boy I babysit and tagging along his infant sister. Boy did I over extend myself (as my husband says). The first day was chaos. The boy and infant were late in drop off. I made the mistake in trusting boy to behave and change quickly on his own with Charlie in the boys locker room. They were loud amplified by the acoustics of the metal room. I had to send them back twice to get there clothes, shoes, and towels, (that makes three). Once in the water all was well. Until the storm rolled in and knocked the power out 15 minutes before the end of class. In I went to change the infant's diaper. Then onto the pool deck to check on the kids. Bina had to use the bathroom. Soon my voice was amplified by the metal lockers as I forced her onto the automatic flushing toilet (her nightmare) with now a screaming baby. Who seconds after was taken by a strange, offering her help. My brain split in two. "Thank you so much!" "Oh no! I don't know who you are!"

So much to say and not enough time.

The Open Road

2011-05-25T10:49:00.002-07:00

Monday morning I drove down the driveway, onto the street, made my first left turn perfectly and headed towards the highway towards the next city. It was fabulous! Over course seeing me from the outside you may have thought that I was falling asleep or slightly intoxicated while I tried to stay within the lane. Regardless I did great and it was a lot of fun finally being in the drivers seat. I ended my turn after the first stop light. I am not quite ready or confident enough to share the road with everyone else.

Unknowingly later that afternoon I decided to hop in again and drive to the store in the neighboring town. Big mistake! To get there required that I drive the interstate. Boy did I get some dirty looks. I pulled over as soon as I could and am never doing that again until I have my licence.

Finally!

2011-05-17T11:45:00.002-07:00

No that isn't referring to the cookies. I've found myself to stressed as of late to bake them. Even though they'd be a welcome relief to do. I have just managed to maintain a daily routine of daily tasks that for now that is enough.

The title is in exclamation to having just joined the rest of society in being permitted to operate and legally own a vehicle. This morning my identity and residence had been verified, by having all the right papers of proof in hand, once and for all. I passed the test, snapped the picture and in my wallet placed my Driver's Permit. YAY! 10 years later then the norm but I finally have it.

Will that change my walking habits? Certainly not. Especially when every thing in this town is within walking distance. The only reason for driving here is bad weather and to go out of town. You'd probably still see me walking around in mild weather. I'm no wicked witch who'll melt at the drop of rain. Neither am I cold blooded enough to go into hibernation at the first fall of snow. So onward and outward I'll continue cruising town on my "pata mobile".

2011-04-15T14:33:00.000-07:00

Still no cookies. On the upside Bina's Kindergarten curriculum outline is finished. YAY!

Cookies!

2011-04-09T15:43:00.002-07:00

For two weeks now I have been wanting to make cookies. Tomorrow I will finally do it and do it big. Chocolate chip, oatmeal and sugar. Since I have yet to discover the secret to baking cake in this high elevation I will stick to cookies and muffins.

In other not so sweet news; Marriage is not my forte. I have to admit to myself that I'm either not the woman I thought I was or that I some how deceive the men that I marry into thinking I am someone else. It takes two to tango the hard part is making sure you're dancing to the same song.

A Snowy Spring

2011-03-29T11:47:00.001-07:00

A rush out the door, down the drive way and a step onto the street had Charlie falling backwards onto his butt. "I'm fine!" He yelled back as he quickly stood and ran to catch the bus. Luckily it was waiting for the deer to cross or Charlie wouldn't have made it.

"I'll get it." Bina yelled as she ran toward the dryer to bring out the warm clothes to the couch where I sat. She then waited patiently, hidden under the warmth, as I folded them and she put them away.

I have terrific kids. Every day I look at them and am truly amazed at how smart and capable they are. And I still am amazed at they very fact that they are mine.

This week is Spring Break, although it looks and feels nothing like it. There's snow on the ground and in the air. Still wearing boots and jackets. So we thought it'd be the perfect time to sprout our garden. Yesterday I took the empty oatmeal container and cereal box, cut them in half and handed them over to the kids. They decorated them with stickers and cut outs. Then we filled them with dirt. Charlie planted carrots and spinach. Bina chose tomatoes and peas. We also colored eggs with Grandma C.

Tomorrow we'll decorate the house with spring and bake sugar cookies. Who says it has to sunny to be Spring?

I like the delete button

2011-03-09T12:14:00.004-08:00

I had started a post a few days ago and pressed delete. It isn't something I feel needs to be mentioned anymore and so it's gone. I like the delete button. Except now everything from my mind is deleted. Ha. Well I'm here at the library and it has been forever and a day since I've posted here. I really miss it. I've always loved writing things down, clearing my head and going over ideas and thoughts.

All the normal things have happened since then. The kids are getting bigger and smarter. Bina was evaluated by The Learning Center and is on the right track and beyond in some areas of her development. The only concerns are her speech and sight. Her eyes are hereditary it was inevitable. I hope to get her to the Eye Dr in the next 6 months. Her speech could be a copy cat of Charlie's or her own lisp. Neither one is a major concern. Yay!

Charlie is doing amazing in school. I only wish I knew more people so that he could start having friends over. At first I wasn't sure it would be possible because of my crazy work schedule. Well now I'm finding that's just not true. So hopefully before summer ends he'll have a couple solid friends.

Work is going on smoothly. At least schedule wise, the actual work is another story. First babysitting should be easy. Well, not with an infant who demands all your attention. Every time I cross her path of eyesight she cries to be held. Of course I don't give in always. Especially just after she's been fed and burped and had her diaper changed. It's very different watching and caring for someone else's baby. Especially when I've got my own house to run this time around. Before night comes I have to do laundry, make beds, clean house, make dinner and everything else a stay at home mom does who also has 2 other kids during the day. And most days I need to have all these things done by 4:30 before I go out to my second job.

The second job is working at a breakfast and burger joint 2 blocks from the house. Which I'll have to tell you about another day. The baby cries....

It's coming...

2010-11-27T14:25:00.002-08:00

The end of the year is at my door and will follow me to the new door I'll be hiding behind after Wednesday. Yes, another move, making it number 19. Averaging out to a move every 18 months. Isn't that crazy?? Just call me Gypsy. With this move it'll take us out of ' 'ville and into the nieghboring town that isn't all that much bigger but has all the amenities a town should have. 1 grocery store, 4 burger joints, 1 hippy lounge, 3 gas stations, 3 hotels, post office,3 motels, 4 bars, a chinese and a mexican restaruant, 2 clothing stores (cowboy and outlet), photo shop, 2 home stores 3 repair shops, 2 hardware stores, a drive thru liquor )attached to one of the bars, a pizza place and K-12 school buildings with of course your city hall and court house.

Sounds pretty nice right? Eh, not really. It's all found on main street, except for the schools, and the prices are high. So for as much that is here it's not all that it seems to be. Especially during the winter. Buisness is slow. The burger joints are closed half the time. Nothing is open after 6 except the bars and grocery store. It's much more economical to drive out of town the next largest town for shopping.

Even still this is home and I've grown to like it. Minus the below zero chill.

The kids love it. They're happing playing in the snow, being with GrandmaC and GrandpaJ. Charlie is excelling at school and I'm noticing a slight improvement on his speach. Bina just loves having a baby in the house and is a great helper. I get nothing but compliments for them and it's always a pleasure to hear.

Life with Mr. Berry is a rollercoaster ride. It's true what they say. The longer you're single the more set in your ways you become. I can't blame him for that but it is definatley noticable. We argue over the silliest things and he takes it very seriously. We've had many talks and there is light at the end of the tunnel, it's just a very dim one. So we'll keep chugging along and reminding each othere why we're here and the happiness we feel when together.

I'd love to fill this post with pictures but I'm still dependant upon the computers at the library for my access to the internet. Hopefully soon this won't be and I can do so much more and everything I once was able to do with the wonderful world of technology.

Free Christmas Cards

2010-11-27T14:14:00.002-08:00

Who wouldn't want to only have to pay postage for the cards they'll be sending out this year? Since I can't afford to give out cards for free, yet, here's a site that will.

Shutterfly is giving away 50 cards at this link. Enjoy!

The Ups and Downs of all thats new.

2010-11-01T16:23:00.002-07:00

What's new;

Town: Pinedale - a small country town populated by lifers, oil bums, halfers and wildlife.

a lifer- someone who was born, raised since childhood or been here for more then 8 years.

oil bums - workers for the 3 big oil companies, some stay all year and some for a season to make the green, return home and come back once it's run out.

halfers - here for the nice weather flee at the first sign of snow.

wildlife - beavers, antelope, deer, rabbits and other small creatures.

Jobs: Waitress - meeting the locals, serving up comfort food and pie, part time.

Babysitter - a 4 year old boy and 6 month old girl, easy peasie.

In-laws: wonderfully helpful, full of love and concern. (just like mine!)

Husband: loving and taking in the adjustments of married life with kids.

The Ups of a new town have always been good. I have had plenty of moves in my life that adjusting to small town life wasn't very hard. It's been enjoyable and I'm slowly getting into the low down, easy going lifestyle. I'm not a country girl yet, with no plans to become one either. But country music no longer irritates me. Im ok with not having a lot of shopping options. Keeps the spending to a minimum, always helpful.

The Downs are simple but noticeable. Mainly friendships, they take a long time to build and some times just don't come fast enough. Like today I could really use a friend to talk to or be with. Another down, it's easy to get stranded. Well for me anyways. I'm still working on getting all the details down to get my license then a car. It's coming along fine just the waiting is hard.

The Ups of a new job are the experiences. I get to learn new talents, improve upon old ones and interact with people with a variety of personalities.

The Downs are mainly personal. I can't be as reliable as I would like to be in efforts to keep the family balanced and lack of my own transportation.

The Ups of a husband, for many of you I don't really need to explain these. Their the same in almost any relationship. The hugs, private time, support and love is fabulous to have in life.

The Downs are the same too, adjusting, learning how to live with differences of attitudes, lifestyles, opinions and mood swings. It's a never ending learning experience that takes a lot of patience, love and forgiveness.

Over all I have no complaints. I have been blessed greatly in my life. I have a roof over our heads, food on our plates, clothing on our backs and love to fill our hearts. For me that's enough. Every thing else is just bonus.

I'm Married! In Love! and it's GREAT!

2010-10-02T15:01:00.001-07:00

1 Month! TODAY! It's been wonderful. I have my own lil trailer to take care of. An apprieciative husband and happy children. All is well here in Wyoming. Will post more when I get more time at the library. Love all around!

Making it work

2010-08-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

"Let me tell you something, Toula. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants." Maria Portokalos My Big Fat Greek Wedding

With a lot of work.

Especially with a man who has been spurned before he met you. Even without that it's tough getting a man to trust a woman. Being this is a long distance relationship it's double duty.

Every day he talks to people and they talk back, telling him how things are going to be in the world of marriage and family. Some of it he doesn't like others he's looking forward to. It's the stuff that he doesn't like that are my biggest grief. Most of it isn't true or not specific to our relationship or are not who I am at all. It's a lot to ask anyone to ignore the advice or information given by long time friends and family. To listen and trust a person who's only entered your life 7 months ago.

On top of that, like most men (and children) they don't see all the work that is put into a home and homemaking. The world of a housewife is so out of their territory that most of what is explained seems weird or extreme. "There really can't be that much work." "It's not hard at all."

With a long drawn out discussion, that hasn't yet ended, I have been attempting to explain this to Mr. Berry. For all the hard work he does the only equivalent to his efforts is for me to do the same. I have never had anything against work. I would love to have had a job all these years that would have allowed me to solely provide for my children and have a little savings. Sadly that has not been. Which has Mr. Berry putting it upon himself to make it up. I love him for this.

To make it up to him I have plans to be the best wife, housekeeper and mother ever. To do this requires that I do opposite of what he has in mind. If I were to go to work a full day it would create more stress upon him to get us all to where we need to be for the day. We'd all come home to nothing but an empty house. Scramble to make dinner, prep for the following day, get the kids to bed and get some sleep ourselves. We'd have a very hard time just enjoying being man and wife. Our day would start at 5 AM with no definite end in site. I would hate for this to be how our first year together started out.

So with much discussion and frustration we finally reached the agreement that for now I would stay home and tend kids. Bringing in some money and still having the ability to create the house he's providing for into a home. I pray that with this he will never feel unappreciated, unsupported or as if he is carrying all the load of family life.

Last days

2010-08-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

Where O, where to begin. Do I distress about all the marriage jitters? Do I unload my lack of abilities? Or can I just yell until there is no more breath in my body? So many things run rampant inside my head. Soon my life as a single mother will be over. so why am I not leaping for joy? I will once again have my own little home to care for and create in it my own paradise and sanctuary from the world. My room is a disaster area. Things all over the place waiting to be put into boxes. Perhaps if I decluttered my room, I'd have the practice and be able to do the same with my head.

There are times when I just feel useless. For many temporal and earthly reasons. I don't have a career, drivers license, money, nothing to my name that is of any real use or value to anyone or even myself. I spend many moments wondering what good am I to anyone? Currently my biggest hope is that as a wife to the wonderful, hard working Mr. Berry. I can prove myself that I am still of use to someone. Yes I know, I am a mother and the kids need me. We all know that this is different. At least it seems to me. The kids need me out of necessity, circumstance. Mr. Berry would need me out of want, companionship and fulfillment.

Even with so many things to do and prepare for I still get the feeling that nothing is being accomplished. My room is still a disaster zone. Everything must go into boxes. Making sure I separate the junk from the rest of the stuff. Then to divide that stuff so that it can fit into our little trailer. Making due with the limited choices of housing in the tiny town we'll be calling home. Many of my crafting materials will be left behind. Half the kids books and larger toys will stay with Grandma. I may even reopen a box to leave some of my own books behind.

My parents are amazing. So helpful, supportive and willing to do all they can to get me on my feet again. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to them.

Soon I'll be leaving their home and making my own. To start out we'll be pinching our pennies and the first to go is the internet. Sigh. Well I can still remember a time when I lived without it. I'm sure i could do it again. With 2 kids, 3 if you count Mr. Berry then I should have plenty to occupy myself with. I'll be posting everyday the goings on here before I return to my pen and papers.

I yell too much.

2010-08-10T00:08:00.002-07:00

"... see that you are merciful unto your 'children'; deal justly, judge righteously, and do good continually; and if ye do all these things then shall ye recieve your reward; yea ye shall have a ... good rewarded unto you again." Alma 41:14

I think one of the most annoying things about emotions is how they come out. Especially when it comes to the children. When I'm really angry at myself I direct it at them.

Example

After having enjoyed a midnight snack I forgo the walk up the stairs to return the remaining snack to it's rightful place. I crawl into bed and wake up to a mess of crumbs, giggles and scattered food. The culprit, yep you know who's fault this is, MINE. But do I scold myself and set the appropriate punishment? Nope. Who gets into trouble? Who becomes the scapegoat(s)? You've guessed it. Them, always them. Why? Because "Anger is a self-centered reaction to inconvenience or disappointment." Translating to "How could you do this to me?" pg 17 of The Soft Spoken Parent

When I read that I hung my head even lower then it already was. Of course they don't do it to me. They did it because of me. I left the snack where they could reach it. In plain sight creating the temptation. They are still little enough that their actions will always be to fill a need. Their need at that moment was hunger.

"And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, ..." Mosiah 4:14

That's exactly what I'm doing. The exact opposite. So I'm angry at myself for once again making those stupid mistakes that result in my children going hungry, still in their pj's and fighting over the left overs.

The thought occurs to me to stop yelling at them and have a good yell at myself. Then this follows, "it's madness to have a conversation with yourself" Hahaha, I do it all the time. So why not have a good yell at myself? Look at myself squarely in the eye, in front of the mirror, and just blow up on myself. It sure would save my children from unjustifiable wrath. I'm also quite certain that it would ventilate a burden of emotions that I tend to keep to myself. I can just imagine myself filled with anger, turning into sorrowful tears, then embarrassment for having been discovered and ending in laughter at the joy of the weight of all that personal pain I had let myself hang onto.

I'm going to strive to put this into practice. Along with a lot of prayer because I know I'm human bound by the human flaws of forgetfulness, laziness and just plain stupidity. Just by starting off my day on my knees has made such an instant difference. As I was writing this post Charlie and Bina discovered the half eaten box of Reese's Pieces. Did I yell? Nope. Hurray! I only had them confirm that they had eaten them and left it at that. That in it's self is enough of a lessoned learned. They have become sneaky and gotten into the habit of telling fibs to avoid trouble. With their confession and my quiet reaction they will hopefully insight them that truth does not always equal punishment.

"Be not rash with thy mouth, and let not thine heart be hasty to utter anything before God; for God is in heaven , and thou upon earth; therefore let they words be few." Ecclsiastes 5:3

Parenthood by force will not create success; no matter how strong or correct the reasoning may be.

2010-07-26T12:23:00.000-07:00

I can attest to that truth using myself as an example as well as my children.

On Father's Day (late post) our Sunday school lesson revolved around how fathers enforce or pass their influence to their children. For the sake of all parents I would have to say that anyone of us try to impart our influence so that when we say, they do. We say "get in the car", they get in. We say "brush your teeth", they brush their teeth. When we say "no" to a request to go out to a show that is not appropriate, they don't follow the urging of friends or desire to climb out the window and sneak across the lawn to the awaiting friends in a borrowed car.

We each want that kind of influence. What we do and how we get it depends entirely upon us. There are very few definite right and wrong ways. Knowing what is effective is hard work. Add two or more children and it's downright messy. I believe this is the only area in life where there is grey matter, no straight black and white answers. If that were true there would be only one How-to-book on raising children. The only proven method that is not effective in obtaining true positive influence is physical abuse. We all know what happens when you spank a child. They cry, resentment can build, fear takes hold, hatred may form, a chain reaction can follow, a recognition of what they did wrong may be lost, self confidence can crumble. The list is long and unfortunately the final results are hard to see. Tragicaly at times it is seen in ways we never wanted to happen or could ever imagine possible from our children.

So how can we succeed? How do we know in which ways to influence our children? The lessons and methods our parents used on us, will they be effective on ours? More importantly how am I going to do this with the lack of a Daddy for the last 4 years? How will I do this while entering the transition of introducing a first time Daddy to children who haven't had one? Not only do I have to face the challenge of finding the correct influence upon Charlie and Bina, I also have to combine that influence with Daddy. So what can I do?

Go to the only place that always makes sense, even if I don't know it. To my Heavenly Father. Many times I have prayed for his help in being a mother, usually after feelings of failure. Each day He blesses me with a new beginning and the best part of it all. How wonderfully he created the nature of children. How easy they are to forgive their Mommy when I've yelled at them for something that was not their fault or even grown into a full understanding of what is right and wrong. I am also blessed to have met a man who is willing and has promised to make the efforts every good father should in raising children. This post, "That's What Father's Do", from Mormon Mommy Blog is such a perfect example of what Mr. Berry promises to be to Charlie and Bina.

I've also been blessed with the discipline to study the scriptures more regularly then I have in a long time. In them I have found such insight that I hope to practice and live by.

Ecclesiastes 15:3

Be not rash with thy mouth , and let not thing heart be hasty to utter any thing before God: for god is in heaven , and thou upon earth: therefore let thy words be few.

Deuteronomy 6:5-7

... thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul and with all thy might.

And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart;

And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

Men vs. Woman - razors

2010-07-19T12:14:00.005-07:00

In a lot of shows/movies with married couple there is always mention of the sharing or usage of the toothbrush and/or razor. The biggest noticeable complaint is when the woman uses the mans razor and leaves it uncleaned or dull.

Now why does she do that? Is it because she can't find hers? She's lost it? It's gone dull? Nope, it's because she knows that his does a much better job! Really!

After all the fuss through the entertainment media about this feud I thought I'd test it out.

I have used every female razor out there. From the cheap Bic disposables, which work better at times then the more expensive Intuition with it's attached soap. You name it I've used it even the electric ones. All with the same results, stubble in less then 14 hrs and irritating razor burn. I've gone days, weeks and even months (winter) with out shaving just to avoid the hassle and hurt. But no

more! I have found the solution.

This razor here on the left. A man's razor. Made to cut smoothly the hair off his face. Works wonders on my legs, arms and underarms. I have never had my legs be so smooth before applying lotion. And no razor burn or stubble!! I will never use a woman's razor again. My bare skin has never felt this good!

Inconsistent Mommy - The Teacher

2010-07-17T10:00:00.002-07:00

That's me! I start one thing then it fades. Sometimes it's lucky enough to get restarted and other times it just dies.

Died

All my life I've wanted to be a teacher. Before kids the dream was to teach Elementary. No more. I don't have the patience. The kids showed me that. So I decided that I would be the best teacher to my kids. In my thinking that meant home schooling. As a single mom that's more then I could manage. Regardless I did the basic research one could do without a budget. I printed off free materials and searched other blogs for awesome ideas. I started off just great with Charlie, teaching him his letters, numbers, colors and even a tiny bit of Spanish. Then Bina got to talking and soon after we moved and that's when it died. Of course I still taught Bina these same basics but with less enthusiasm for the whole home schooling experience. So that died and hasn't been brought back. It's still in the back of my mind to accomplish but have found that there are even more basic things that the children need to learn. Such as the words that come out of my mouth.

Resurrected and reconstructed

It was such a shock to come to the realization that I would be their very first English teacher. This was one thing I never expected or crossed my mind as to what my role as Mommy would be. "Use your words." Is my automatic response to my screaming child. Imagine my shock when it struck me that I have to put the words into their mouths. And it's much more then just please, thank you, may I, your welcome. It's the whole English language! "Don't touch the remote." What's a remote? "Don't pass the curb?" What does pass mean? "Keep eating." Eating means to continue. Continue means don't stop. This is what it means to stop.

It's never ending. So many things to teach and it's much more work then I thought it would be. I've become their dictionary, a live version of it anyway. I can't go around spouting out definitions.

Stop -

come to a halt, stop moving; "the car stopped"; "She stopped in front of a store window"
the event of something ending; "it came to a stop at the bottom of the hill"
discontinue: put an end to a state or an activity; "Quit teasing your little brother"
the act of stopping something; "the third baseman made some remarkable stops"; "his stoppage of the flow resulted in a flood"
stop from happening or developing; "Block his election"; "Halt the process"

Then I'd have define the definitions. To make things easier, for them (a thought process for me) I have to figure out which definitions to vocalize and which need demonstration. Even this can be difficult at times. I try showing them and saying "This is...." and find my self having to define the word 'this'. Who knew? No one ever said anything about this when they told me all the things I could expect in being a Mother.

Always learning, always amazing me.

2010-07-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

When buying the right toy or game I've become very picky. So many out there to choose from and yet they're all the same. Which leaves me to use my imagination and look at each toy and game through every angle. How many ways can we use it? How long will it last? How does it fit with what we already have?

My latest find is the game pictured above. It's played just like the TV show. There are a set of words to be described by another single word. Now that would be to difficult for children who still have a thousand words to learn. Instead I give them clues describing each word and as I did so I found myself teaching the opposites, synonyms and brain power. And they showed me how smart they are.

"If you're not going left your going...."

"right"

"What's at the end of your foot?"

"toes"

"If you're not safe you are in..."

"danger"

Just a few of the questions I asked them with their responses. Some were answered quickly and a few needed a moment to think. They had fun and I sat in awe at how much their little minds know. I couldn't help thinking forward to how awesome they would do at test in school even the SAT. Haha ya, too far ahead in the future, a first for me. But can you blame me when I've got the smartest kids?

Uninspired

2010-07-08T10:28:00.003-07:00

So many times I sit here staring at the computer screen with a will to write. There is so much to tell and yet I just don't have the heart to compose them. Either they seem insignificant or it's an unfinished thought. Most of the time I just want to write one or two lines but it seems unfair to describe the events in such a short context. If it's not that I'm just blabbing on and on never getting to the heart or the meat of the story/event.

Here are just an example of what I have thought to post but obviously haven't. Perhaps just by jotting them down it will inspire me to continue the rest of the story(ies).

Parenting with the guidance and directions found through out the scriptures. So many accounts of families and their struggles and joys of every day life are recorded that there is plenty to write and learn from to achieve a more real success as a parent. I have for so long been detached from the experience as a whole that just by doing a very minimal amount of study and research into the scriptures has brought me closer to the reality of what my role and life is as a mother. It's also given me a jumping board to initiate household rules, virtues and standards as we get closer from being a family of 3 to 4 and taking on the full responsibilities of running my own home once more.

Family upgrade and activities. This fall we will be welcoming a new member to our family, Mr. Berry. Every month since we met in February Mr. Berry has been making the commute from Wyoming to Utah Valley to be with us. With each visit we have had the pleasure of deepening our relationship, eat meals together, cruise the towns, laze on the couch, share bedtime stories and just this weekend learned to ride a bike for the first time. We've gone to the carnival, fireworks displays, Chuckie Cheese's, shopping and the park. We've all grown quite attached. The kids choose his hands over mine when crossing the street. Bina has forgotten how to use her feet and has wrapped him around her little finger to be carried every where we go. Charlie enjoys having someone to teach him all the things he needs to know about being a boy. It's been a very interesting and rewarding experience of love for all of us. We've gone from being a broken family and alone to a complete unit. Still in the transition mode but as each day, week, month passes we learn how to adapt, figure out the kinks and work towards the final goal.

Personal Improvement. With all this has come a greater appreciation for ME. Who I am. Who I am becoming and who I want to be. It's been year of re-evalutaion that has yet to produce a concrete result but the minor differences have created a ripple effect that has been helpful in reaching that goal of personal self worth and satisfaction.

With so much going on, why can't I just jot them down? I've heard and been told that by just forcing oneself to do it, it comes and gets easier. So here's to force, inspiration and a new post tomorrow.

Boring Survey

2010-06-22T16:03:00.002-07:00

Everywhere on the Internet you see them, work from home ads. Promises of riches and extra cash in your pocket for just a few hours a week. The only real, live, positive endorsement for these companies have been for the Survey sites. I've even seen one advertised on TV while the sane portion of population are awake. So I've joined 3 of them; Toluna, Opinion Outpost, and SendEarnings. Toluna and Opinion Outpost run a point system for their surveys. SendEarnings gives out a certain amount of money for each of it's options; games, subscriptions, emails along with surveys.

I have yet to see big results from any of them. The only thing I tend to notice is how boring they make me out to be. First off how interesting can I be if I've got time to answer random surveys during my day. Then before starting a survey you have to qualify or suit their needs. If I haven't bought my children chocolate this month then I'm not qualified to answer. If I have not bought the latest gadget of the year they don't care what I think of it. If I don't make enough money to be buying big ticket items I'm not capable to answer.

Well I'm thinking there should be surveys as to why am I not? Why did I not buy the latest Ipod edition? Why don't I buy chocolate every month? What am I buying instead? Oh well since I have nothing better to do I may as well make a few cents here and there. Every little bit helps. Unless you know of something better. Then please, do tell.

Sore Legs and an Empty Book Shelf

2010-06-17T16:26:00.004-07:00

Today I spent 6 hours on the hunt for work. Using my two feet to carry me from place to place. I walked up one street then down the other side. For all that walking I finished the day with 2 interviews filled with promise and 6 applications, so far. To complete the rest I need to borrow a computer equipped with Microsoft. I am keeping my fingers crossed and saying a lil prayer that by the end of next week I will have a job. With another two days of creating sore legs I should land victory and once again be employed.

As with the majority of the populous who enters the work field for the first time and has no concept of building a savings account usually builds a collection of stuff instead. My stuff was books. I had a tall book shelf full of them. Every two weeks I would cross the street and spend close to $100 on books. I took care of them, treasured them. Then time came when I reached a turning point in my life and I had to sacrifice my collection. It was cut down to size and has until recently not been added to.

This year I have begun to allow my indulgence in books return. I have broaden my taste to include self-help and religious books to my classic and fantasy/teen novels. To continue the expansion I am being more careful in my selection. So before purchasing a book I do some snooping through friends, lists and reviews. While on my hike for employment I entered for the first time in years a Barnes & Noble. Oh I could've spent the rest of the day exploring each title. Instead I stuck to the front of the store and their table displays. I found a few that peeked my interest and now I ask you of the blogosphere to give my your insight and opinion to these titles and others. If you've read or heard of any of them please let me know what you think. Really almost all on the list are New York Best Sellers and alas, that to doesn't mean a thing anymore.

So here's the list - Authors;

Joshilyn Jackson

Sloane Crosley

Stieg Larsson

Books;

"The Case of the Man who Died Laughing" by Tarquin Hale

"Tender at the Bone: Growing up at the Table" by Ruth Reichl

"How Pleasure Works" by Paul Bloom

"Little Bee" by Chris Cleave

"A Reliable Wife" by Robert Goolrick

And of course what is a book request without including your own favorite? What are they?

THANKS!

"Wicked" by Nancy Holder & Debbie Viguie

2010-06-16T09:58:00.002-07:00

Thinking that this was the series based upon the Wicked witch of the West and her goody good sister the Witch of the North I bought it and began to read. Of course before finishing the first page I knew I had the wrong book. Still it was a good first page, describing and setting the scene very well, just as I like it, so I continued reading.

The book, a series of 5 (Witch, Curse, Legacy, Spellbound & Resurrection) complied into 3 follows the story of the Cahor and Deveraux families. It weaves back and forth through the ages as we follow the current members; Holly, Amanda and Nicole the female witch descendants of Cahor and Eli and Jer along with their father Micheal descendants of Deveraux. Through it's many lines we learn of the feud between the two families. One has been hidden of the truth while the other remains vigilant on its quest to eradicate the world of the witches.

Of course being a teen novel it does include romance of the Romeo and Juliet style. One just can't help to add that to the mix when writing the history of two families eager to kill off one another.

It's well written and beautifully described in detail. But not so much so that you're left falling asleep or flipping back to remember what's going on once Duc Laurent is described - .."the great enemy of the Cahors, warlock, magic son of the Lost Son of Light: demon, devil. Brilliance blazed around him; he stood in the center of a sphere of light so white that it was blue; and then the colors shifted and changed like the northern lights. He was magnificent and terrible." Of course it's not so complicated either that an average teenager couldn't follow.

I enjoyed reading the series and couldn't wait to purchase each book to satisfy my need to know the ending. The only disappointment I have is that the ending felt like a cut and paste job. For the entire read the stories are combined and separated so well and give enough detail in each that allow the story to flow with no confusion. Then at the end it's a quick finish. It doesn't leave me wishing for more like some but it does leave me wanting more detail. I enjoyed how it ended I just think it was cut off to quickly. It needed more meat to it just as the rest of the book contained instead of a fade out.

If you like witches and warlocks, the battle between good and evil tossed with romance and mystery you'll enjoy this series. I know I'll be reading it again.

"It's in you to give"

2010-06-02T10:43:00.003-07:00

Since my Freshmen year in HS I have had the urge to donate blood. Yesterday I finally did it.

At our local park they hold a Health and Wellness Fair every year with various local businesses promoting their services and products. We went for the Petting Zoo which consisted of 2 lambs, 1 calf, a handful of chickens, 2 goats and puppies. Once the magic of cute animals wore off we explored the roll of booths. Making sure to stop at each one and take full advantage of the free goodies; pens, fliers and of course CANDY! One booth even hand free hot dogs and chips. Of course we didn't pass on that. Following 'dinner' we sat down to watch the animal show where the kids were in awe to see the hedgehog, bearded dragons, cockatoo, red fox, tortoise, cockroaches, boa constrictor, ring tailed cat... that is until Bina saw the puppy sitting behind us.

On to the Blood van. This was added last minute to the Fair's attractions. Because of its large size and the fact that it was a vehicle parked in the middle of the grass the kids were eager to see the inside. That's when I took the chance to finally donate blood. I filled out the papers and waited while the kids entertained themselves with the large seat belts, quickly loosing interest. So we went out once more to visit the booths. When it came time for my turn I was nervous, extremely nervous. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea. I don't like needles and the kids were growing restless. How could I keep track of them if I was seated to a chair attached by a tube and needle to a plastic bag made to hold that red stuff inside me? Luckely a mother with her infant son came into the van and provided a nice distraction for them while I had my blood tested. This is done by a pin prick to the finger proceeded by a few moments of pain as they squeeze that finger to fill the tiniest vile with my blood. This is to check how much of my fluid is red and white blood cells. I am proud to say that 47% of my blood is red. We then were moved to the back of the bus where they prepped me with a cleansing of iodine. The kids watched as the inside of my elbow turned into a nice shade of brown. I was given a squeeze toy to ensure the continuous flow of blood. Bina voiced that she too wanted one and the nurse gave her a pretty pink one. Charlie decided that he wanted to lie down just like Mommy so he took the empty seat and got comfortable. When it came time to stick it to me I became very nervous. In the forms and information it states that you can change your mind at anytime. Well I wanted to change my mind a million times over but I sat still, held my breath, insisted that the kids watch because I couldn't and then it was done. The needle was in and blood flowed out my arm, down the tube and into the bag. The kids were fascinated. Bina realizing that this stuff was in her too whimpered that she too wanted the blood out of her body. A true girly girl.

In five minutes the ordeal was over. The kids had learned a knew neat trick that our bodies create and they left happy with granola bars in hand.

It was a wonderful end to the afternoon.

Engaged to Mr. Berry

2010-05-31T11:37:00.003-07:00

An engagement is a tricky thing, a complicated thing. You've made a promise to marry one another and to spend the rest of your life together from that point on. That's the easy part. The tricky, complicated part is getting to that point, getting to the Chapel. Here's what must happen before then.

Meet the parents. - lovely couple

Both sets of parents meet - pleasant experience

Plan the wedding - all set, simple with a limited guest list.

Find a house - work in progress

Along with those major points a constant evaluation of the relationship must be performed. Especially with this being a long distance relationship. When we're together all is well. I can feel his love, his enthusiasm and care for me and the children. As soon as we part it's as if it was a dream. I have to find ways to ensure that it was real. Multiple phone calls help but don't give the reassurance an insecure woman needs. It's difficult but I am constantly reminding myself that there is an end, a common goal and once reached life will be wonderful. Not perfect but enjoyable, reliable and a worthwhile adventure.

The most difficult of all this is knowing where to fit in. Where do I fit into his day to day life? Where does he fit into mine? Him being a single man with no one to care for but himself I've become his world and hobby. For me he has become another member of the family with a special love. Is this fair? I'm not sure. I know that for him it isn't easy. While he wants and has the freedom to spend as much time as he wants on the phone in conversation with me I can't. I have to divide my time between children, house, work, personal interests and other relationships such as my Mom, Dad, siblings, friends and soon work. So what can I do? Am I to drop everything and just devote my time to him on his schedule? No because in the end it won't be fair to him or I. In the end this habit would carry on into our married life and children would be neglected, chores and work would also be brushed aside and nothing would be as it should. So for now it's a work in progress assuring him that I love him and always thinking of him while I go about my day. That any chance I get to call I will and that once we are married he will have more of my time because at last we will be in the same state, town, home. Which will make all the difference.

In the end I just need to "get me to the Church on time".

First Date with Mr. Berry

2010-05-05T09:45:00.004-07:00

After chatting over the phone for 3 weeks nonstop, it made our first date different then your average blind date. We had sent pictures to each others cell, which aren't of the best quality but enough to give one an idea of who you're about to meet. Although it was defiantly better then just going at it blind or by description. Also important to note that when you carry on conversations over the phone it's difficult not to let ones imagination run on what it would be like face to face. This would apply in any kind of relationship. Even back in the day when Pen pals were popular it was easy to build up the image of the person you were corresponding with. Which is what happened with us thus, resulting in a bout of nervous giggles (me) and a loss of appetite (Mr. Berry). It was an interesting experience. Our conversation hit some topics we had already discussed, such as likes and dislikes, life history and family. In between that we would just end up staring at each other, wondering if the other person was for real and if our feelings were in check. He told me that now that he had met me in person he knew that I was the girl he had been looking for. I let him know that I was very interested in him too. I was still hesitant to let my emotions run me over. Feelings were budding but I still wanted to take some time before pouring out my soul. Regardless we both knew we were heading in the same direction and would allow things to happen as they come.

Over the rest of his visit we talked about the "what if's"; What if we become a steady long distance couple. What if he moved down to SLC with a better job. What if we loved each other?

What if we wanted to get married? Along with the "what about's"; What about the economy? What about the kids? What about our parents/families?

I enjoyed my time with him. I felt very comfortable. He'd hold my hand or we'd sit with his arms around me and I felt safe.

We can't deny that image isn't important. A physical attraction, even a tiny one has to be present for a romantic relationship to sprout and bloom. With online dating it's imperative that pictures are true and up to date. Even with the photos we had sent each other we were still nervous about the full package. I am happy to say that he was pleasantly surprised. Which was a relief to me. I've never been completely happy with my body image. So to know that he found me to be beautiful even gorgeous just added to his appeal. I had never been complimented so much by one man. Not even by my ex who knew me before the baby weight and scars.

I find him to be cute. That boyish kinda cute thats endearing. His eyes are a glass blue and full of expression. He is 5'11, average build with strong arms and legs. He works at a Lumber Yard in a tiny town somewhere in the vast emptiness of Wyoming. He's worked hard all of his life and has assured me many times (since hearing bits and pieces about my ex) that he will always work hard to provide a good, comfortable life for the kids and I. He loves dogs and owns a black lab named Prince. His favorite food is Pizza. His favorite color is green. He wears glasses. He can sing. He enjoys dancing (slow). He is 2 years old then I am. He is a member of the Church. He can be very stubborn. (I can be just as stubborn) He is very sweet. He likes kids. He know how to dress for the occasion. And that's the jist of him, an average blue collar Joe.

Mr. Berry gets anxious

2010-04-19T23:32:00.002-07:00

As all people who find themselves falling in love, he got a little nutty. We had been telling each other that time just couldn't fly fast enough. So he moved the date, booked a room and told me he was coming that weekend.

Ok so lets get the dates straight. We began our chat on February 11th. On the 1st of March he jumped the gun and drove down to me as soon as he got off work on the 5th. He got into town later then expected. Having received bad directions from friends he drove an extra hour south, adding 2 hours of unnecessary driving. We finally met at 10:30pm and went to the only place open at that hour, IHOP. Ugh life's craziness interrupts again.

Mr. Berry

2010-04-19T08:42:00.002-07:00

It all started after I had swore I would stop chatting online with random wierdo's. Now of course how many times do we break the rules we set for ourselves? And how many times does it turn out that we are pleasantly surprised by the outcome? Ok not many and probably never, except for this one time.

So this random chat turns into an exchanging of phone numbers. Scary I know. My thought was he's from Wyoming there's nothing there. If he knew how to hack and steal an identity he wouldn't be living in the middle of no where. If he's turns out to be just another wierdo I'm safe in Utah and he's all the way out in Wyoming. That was my thought until I re-educated myself in geography. Utah and Wyoming are neighbors! I freaked out a bit then.

Obviously I wouldn't have given him my cell number if our conversation on-line wasn't stimulating, pleasant and interesting. Just don't ask me what we talked about because I don't remember a thing. Is that a bad thing?

For the next two weeks or so we talked about everything. Past relationships, likes/dislikes, my kids, his family, career goals, school days, everything. We talked every night with txt during the day. What made this friendship real to me was that we'd actually get upset, argue then talk some more about why we're upset and what to do about it. We were already very aware of each other and ready to compromise or explain ourselves to the other about what life would be like if we actually got together.

Feelings were emerging and plans to meet were being made. He was to come down in June for my Birthday. Obviously that's not what happened. More to come later after chores, kids and life happens today.

Now tell me this isn't fast.

2010-04-17T23:04:00.002-07:00

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!

Yes that's right. Married. It's happening again and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this one sticks.

More info later.

How fast is too fast?

2010-03-29T15:19:00.003-07:00

I've been absent from the blogosphere to spend time and get to know a guy named Paul. He's my first relationship since my divorce. He lives in Wyoming so not only is this new but complicated by distance. We've fallen in love and talk everyday. We've been "dating" for almost 2 months. He's come down to spend time with me for a week in total. There have been doubts and concerns from both of us. Which I would see as normal considering the 2 lil pieces of baggage I carry and our past relationships. Now I'm wondering if things are moving too fast or this is all just meant to be. I love him, he loves me. The what if's have been discussed and settled as best as they could be.

Now I know that I'm not the only girl to move at lightning speed when in a relationship. I've been told of many stories ranging from 1 date - 2 months and are still happily married. Yet I can't ignore that my first lighting strike ended within 3 years. But with much prayer and fasting, even a little outside advice could this be the one? Or am I to be burnt to a crisp?

While you were sleeping

2010-03-06T03:26:00.000-08:00

Since Uncle R started school the kids have been making the long ride with Mama to and from the UVU. They drive 40 mins to drop him off, 40 mins back to the house, then 40mins to go pick him up and another 40 to get home again. This is when Bina has been taking her naps. Last Friday Uncle R had an exam to take and didn't know when he would finish. So off they went and Bina took her nap. Mama stayed close to area instead of driving home only to be called right back. She drove around the parking lot once before Uncle R called to say that he was finished. This is just one example of how smart this guy is. It took him only 19 mins to finish the test and got a score of 94%.

Bina continued to sleep through the ride home. When they arrived home she woke up to find Uncle R in the car. She exclaimed, "Mama we forgot to take Uncle R to school!" Mama sweetly told her that they had and she just slept through it.

Where did you go Spring?

2010-03-05T10:01:00.002-08:00

This whole week I've been wanting to wake up early and go out running. Today was the day. I put on my sweats then my running shoes. Opened the door and found three inches of snow covering the ground.

Yesturday was beautiful. The sun was out. The sky was that nice blueish gray color. It rained on and off renewing the earth and filling it with that fresh smell I love. Memories of the year before filled my mind. The grass turning green, long walks, and the suns heat on my skin.

Where did you go Spring? Instead of running in the cool crisp air, I shoveled the stairs, driveways and sidewalk. Come back Spring.

At a Pause

2010-02-27T10:08:00.003-08:00

There are many occasions in my life where I have been stopped in my tracks. You would think that these come while facing trials and obstacles, but no. They are when I am reminded of how precious and fragile life is and the awesome power and destruction of man and earth can be. These are what take my breath away and give me reason to pause.

I have been blessed to have never lived through the devastation of a natural disaster or felt the wrath and hate of another human being. None the less I have felt the tears fall down my face as I watch the people miles away struggle to comprehend that instant their lives fell around them. I have knelt in prayer for those who are lost and those who are searching. I have stood motionless in thought as to how I can contribute to ease their burdens and make them light. I have counted blessings and wondered why not me?

Every time I am given reason to pause I commit to living each day with gratitude. I strive to enjoy the simple things rather than be overwhelmed by things that will never matter. I thank God for His love and mercy and for the true love of the people of this earth that rise to the occasion and send out all they can to their brothers and sisters in need.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of Chile and anyone else who has ever lived in ruins.

Explaination for my absence

2010-02-23T08:40:00.002-08:00

"Cutting down the Frustration" from Heart of the Matter, a great blog on all things involving home education and general life with children, mentions exactly what I need to be doing more of. I've cut my computer time and it's made a difference. I still get frustrated by the little thing but now I don't yell as much.

Also if you haven't noticed my blogs background I'm also striving to become a domestic mother once more. Even with the fact that I work there is plenty to be done and should be done by me once I arrive home. Such as getting the clutter out of my room. A constant work in progress. So now I'm off to make this day a productive one. Wish me luck.

Currently running my mind

2010-02-01T01:21:00.002-08:00

I gotta ask myself
Whats it gon be
Am I gon save myself
Whats it gon be
I gotta ask myself
What Im gon do
Am I gon save myself
Whats it gon be

I gotta pop up pop up
Gotta get up every day
Somethin 4 me and my family
I gotta make decisions
And be somebody
Im growin up as fast as I can
I gotta make some money
Dont wanna live by their rules

In and out the day
In and out the night
Im a find my way
Just 2 survive

I gotta ask myself
Whats it gon be
Am I gon save myself
Whats it gon be
I gotta ask myself
What Im gon do
Am I gon save myself
Whats it gon be

Somethin beautiful inside of me
Somethin wonderful inside of me
Somethin beautiful inside of me
Somethin wonderful inside of me

I gotta pop up pop up
Gotta live up 2 the words
Everyones talkin talkin
I gotta be somebody
And 4 my baby
Im growin up as fast as I can
I gotta make life better for everyone

Everyone everyone everyone
Just 2 survive

Honesty served with Tea

2010-01-26T00:50:00.002-08:00

While sitting at Starbucks yesterday, enjoying one of my favorite drinks that I haven't had in the past year, due to the lack of an establishment on every street corner I jotted down some thoughts that managed to stick long enough for me to transfer onto paper. Here they are; warning they are random, jumbled and may make no sense.

As always my mind empties of all thoughts when I am prepared to write them down. It's never ending, my thoughts. Full of doubt, wonder, plans and imagination.

Doubt #1- Does he like like me? I'm sitting here in Starbucks, down in Provo. Two hours after saying by to the kiddos and Mama. Still waiting for him to be done his errands. I should have just called as soon as I got here. It might have made a difference or not. Either way I'm the one waiting and I'm beginning to wonder if that's a good thing. Am I to anxious to see him? To needy for attention from him or any man? For the most part I must admit, yes. All my life, when in the presence of boys/men I thoroughly enjoyed having their attention. Even through embarrassments, I would always think back and smile.

(Two girls/YA just walked in looking great. One in a black suit, white shirt and black tie. Very slim and flattering her slender frame. Boy cut hair with red highlights scattered strategically. The second with bleach blond yellow hair, also short but spiked off to the side. Wearing skinny denim jeans and a black leather jacket. I make this notebecause I am always pleased by well dressed people who know what works for their figures and stature and these two look amazing!!)

Blank, rest the best and most favorite moment in my mind, which as you can read/tell doesn't last long. It comes in spurts and not always at the right time.

AM I a terrible mother? Do I, should I really answer that? I am an absent mother. Detached. Self inflicted and uninterested. It came about gradually. Not true, sort of, OK not completely. As infants they had all of me. Even my secrets I would whisper into their tiny ears. My tears would fall on their little heads and my kisses pressed their tiny hands.

( I hope they don't ask me to move.)

(They still mark their binders with "cubed S".

Their love is truly unconditional. Mine is... well it's grateful. Grateful for their smiles, their health. Their quick and ever learning minds, for the love they have for each other, that they have each other. Yes my heart is grateful.

(Two marines just walked in, tailored uniforms and white caps)

How long do I wait? How will I get home from AF? I probably should have just gone home. I'm just nervous. This is all new to me. Not knowing, but what is there to know? He does like me. Of course, he drives all the way out and back to see me, to hang out. A complete waste of time for someone you're not interested in. Even more so if it's just out of boredom. I know I like him and yet part of me wonders why. Oh there's nothing wrong with him, that I know of. I just worry that maybe I like him only to use him. I don't want to do that or have plans to but it all goes back to me being anxious. I don't know what I'm waiting for I do enjoy just hanging out/dating with nothing serious or more attached. Then again there is an elephant in the room at least on my side of it. I'm working on getting it removed. Then maybe I can see if we are even standing in the same room or if there is a wall behind Mrs. Jumbo.

Ugh I should have just gone home. I'm going to cry! (Period in 2 minus 10 and counting)

I feel bad. My children beg me to stay home and here I am sitting here for a phone call that has no end. They are at home, my life and I'm here ignoring that life. So many people today despise the idea that a man/woman should complete them. What was once a romantic line - "You complete me" is now slapped aside and "me, me, me - mine mine mine" has taken it's place. I still want that completion, that better/other half.

Doodle,
Doodle,

Doodle.

The call came. I've decided that he isn't a guy who sets plans or even confirms them really. Or we're still in the awkward - are you good? sure? wanna? stage. Annoying, very.

I got conned, not completely yet, I'm sure the product is all it's supposed to be. However Jasmine had me spend $50 I wasn't planning to.

All at once just to get it done

2010-01-25T23:00:00.000-08:00

Jan 9th

So I haven't very good at blogging recently. It's the same story - thoughts ramble on in my mind all day long and once I'm here infront of the computer screen, keyboard beneath my fingertips it goes blank.

Here's a run down of what I've been up to. Home and family is still a juggling act I have yet been able to balance. Part of it is denial. Still trying to mentally undo my mistakes. The other is just learning to ignore everything around me and finally do what I know is best for me and my children. Of course even that won't be perfect or easy because most of the day they are in the care of others. Working is what will provide us a life of our own but at the moment it is what divides us from living how we should. Having daily prayer, FHE, scripture study, and general know how of the beautiful world. I just really need to get on the ball. Prayers are off and on and some weeks are better then others. Now I've just got to get the rest going. I feel so bad while in Primary hearing all the children knowing the answers to the simple questions while mine are clueless. I've taken Monday's off work just to have a weekday to sort all this through.I hope this will make a difference.

Work is work. Don't hate it, don't mind it. Only wish it was actually full time- 40hrs a week. I should start looking for something different soon.

And now for something completely different...

Every Saturday in December I had a date. The first was just a quick meeting. Cute guy and that's about it. The second a fast dinner with a dud of a movie. Nice man, shy and quiet and nothing. The third was a sit down meal followed by a quick italian language lesson and a no brainer, easy pleaser of a movie. The fourth a relaxing night of movies on TV.

Christmas Eve

2009-12-25T20:27:00.000-08:00

Since we didn't get a tree this year, I got creative with the lights. The presents were placed on the table.

Since the kids have come along it's been all about them. This year Bina made specific requests to her Bapa. Which he happily fulfilled. You could almost call it a Disney Christmas all for but a couple of items. We opened our presents before midnight, because everyone was getting restless and tired. We gave thanks and played with our new stuff. Watched "A Mickey Christmas Carol" then everyone was tucked into bed.

Christmas day was spent lazing around the house and just enjoying the peace of having nothing to do and nowhere to go.

I hope you all enjoyed yours with the love of your family and the Spirit of Christmas.

Money; now you see it, now you don't

2009-11-28T10:48:00.003-08:00

Since moving in with my parents they have provided us with everything we need. From soap to socks, hair accessories to pants. You name it they got it and payed for it. I was and still am very grateful to them for doing so much for us. Grateful that they are able to add us to their budget.

However there were many times, especially when buying clothes for Connie and Bina that I resented it. Mainly not being able to do it myself. While we were in Vancouver I wasn't allowed to work without a Visa and I wasn't eligible for one. That was the only thing in my way. I was willing to take any job just so I wasn't completely dependant upon my parents. It made me feel like a child again and it distracted me from the fact that I was a mother of two.

Now I have a job, nothing glamorous but it's a start. With it I've been able to buy the kids winter wardrobe, shoes, pay for Connie to go to Preschool, basic toiletries and other little things. It's wonderful and makes me feel much more useful. It also has me feeling more like a Mom then just a babysitter.

But of course it doesn't last very long and it always takes me by surprise. Especially since I haven't even entered the world of bill paying. Either way I do enjoy working again and am happy to balance a budget on my own.

Natural Wieght Loss

2009-11-26T15:05:00.003-08:00

Are you looking to lose pounds over the Holidays? Does it seem impossible with such an array of goods and treats baking in the oven? Well I'm going to let you in on a secret. I've lost 7 lbs in two weeks! Wanna know how? Do you really?

Catch a cold/flu.
Loose your appetite.
Only eat after noticing that you haven't had anything in 8 hrs.
Eat only cereal or oatmeal.
Sleep lots.

And there you have it. Not the best feeling in the world, to be sick. But just think of those pounds slipping away effortlessly.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Chain Reaction

2009-11-21T09:19:00.002-08:00

Go out Monday night. Cold wind bites at my exposed neck.

Tuesday feeling a little light headed.

Wednesday a slight headache while at work. Get home with a full blown head cold.

Call in sick on Thursday, stay in bed. Fam watches the kids. Call work, not going in on Friday either. Bina gets a fever.

Friday feeling better, wondering the house. Bina is sick. She spreads it to Grandpa then Grandma. Connie starts to get the droopy eyes. Uncle bundles up. The whole house is now sick and as always Grandma gets the worst of it. She takes my advice on which medicine to take and gets worse. Turns out she's allergic.

Saturday everyone is in bed and I'm up taking care of the house. Since it's my fault it only seems fair. Besides they'll be watching the kids while I see "New Moon". It promises to be just as fun as the first.

Nothing like a cold to bring a family together.

2009-11-20T08:24:00.002-08:00

All snug tight in our beds. Taking turns easing the sniffles of the children. I can't help but smile and be reminded how blessed I am to be living at home. Oh I gripe plenty about the day to day battles I face living without privacy, having things my way or being the only one to have a say in what my kids are allowed or not. Mingled in the with the madness there are moments of harmony and there's nothing like a cold to do that. It's great having so many willing hands help out while I slept off this head cold. One day it'll just be me. Struggling to keep it together without loosing my head or job. I'm hoping by then I'll have a job that has paid sick leave. I've always been one to stay home when sick, feeling it's not fair to share my germs with the world. But knowing that by missing a days work means missing a days pay is hard. I know many people take advantage of their employers and call in sick just for the fun of it so it's no surprise when calling in with a real ailment is met with scepticism. It's even harder when working for a small company with no replacements to fill in for you. However I don't think it would help business any by sending a sick person to clean homes only to germify it after disinfecting it.

Feeling much better I'll be happy to help out around the house while the rest of the family gets over their colds. Back to work on Monday ready to clean clients homes as they get ready for the holidays. Life is wonderful and I have many things to be greatful for. One day I'll get it right and never let myself forget it.

Crazy Canadians

2009-11-16T13:05:00.000-08:00

So I guess living in Canada did rub off on me, as my Dad's been saying "we've raised Canadians".

Friday night, I invited the kids out for pizza. There's a place just down the street from our house so dressed in our sweaters and jackets we headed out into the cold. I'm guessing that in an effort to conserve energy the light posts are few and far between making the area almost pitch black. Just two houses down Connie began to complain. Reconsidering my plans for dinner I asked the kids if they wanted to continue. Of course they both voiced different opinions and out in the dark, alone, they threw their tantrums. It took a couple minutes for them to asset their hunger, ignore the cold and press forward. We walked hand in hand down the dark street. My thoughts ran over the many nights in Canada I spent walking in snow. To all the people I'd see bearing through the ice to get from one place to another. As we walked and the cars passed and I wondered what they must think as they passed us. It also made me wonder what life is like here in the winter. Is it business as usual? Or does the world stop after sunset? Knowing that this isn't a bustling city, I'm not expecting much but will I be the only one walking with the kids for a hot drink from the gas station?

We arrived at the place, made our order and waited. The kids were fabulous. They sat quietly babbling to each other while I waited in line and got our drinks. We started with a salad and just enjoyed being out together waiting for our pizza, topped with Canadian bacon, pineapple and almonds. Bina loved the pineapple and Connie ate up the ham. Full and satisified we walked back home singing B-I-N-G-O and Five little monkeys.

Saturday the snow fell. Covering the earth and making it white an hour before we were to drop off Connie to a birthday party. Bundling up we made our way out. Bina not happy with the idea of not being able to attend was quieted with a promise of a hot chocolate. We left Connie at his party and made our trek to the gas station. The wide blowing against our sides. Snow swirling around us we walked hand in hand. At the half way mark I scooped Bina up in my arms to shield her better from the wind. She nestled in close and we talked nonsense. We detoured into the brand new bookstore as they were still arranging and shelving books. It's going to look great when finished and looks to be providing a wide selection of books and games. Not forgetting about her hot chocolate Bina pulled us out of the store, crossed the street, rented UP from the RED BOX and got our drinks. We walked quickly home were she got comfortable on the couch and sipped away at her hot chocolate caramel drink.

I'm sure to continue being the 'crazy' lady who walks out in the snow with her kids. It's always been our favorite thing to do.

Mid-Week Musical Drug

2009-11-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

You don't have to like Celine Dion or enjoy any of her music to love this duet with Andrea Bocelli.

The Kids on Halloween

2009-11-03T23:18:00.001-08:00

Knock, knock.
Trick or Treat!
I'm Prince Ali and this is Abu the Elephant.
I'm off to find Jasmine and am in need of supplies.
Thank you and in return let me sing you a song.

Ok he didn't say exactly that. It was more like this...
Trick or Treat
I Prince Ali this is Abu the Elephant
I going to find Jasmine.
Twinkle twinkle little star....
I like your pumpkin.
Thank you!

As we returned home and the lights were going out. Trick or Treat became Twick o Tweating.

They were tired and happy from their long treck through the neighborhood. It took us and hour and a half. You don't notice all the stairs every house has until you go up and down each one.

Another night well spent.

HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY!

2009-11-01T00:00:00.001-07:00

You have been my sweet pea since the moment I saw you. You have made our duo into a perfect trio. We love you!

BOO!

2009-10-31T15:59:00.001-07:00

Gush and Goo are a pair of twins,
who's night has finally come
All year long
they've chanted this song
just for you to come along

When the moon shine bright
and the shadows come alive
We'll creep along the coridors
ready to give you a frieght.

We'll hide where you can't see us
cause nothing more will please us
as you turn that corner
we'll be your little horrors

All year long we've waited
and now we'll give you a cheer
and BOO! we'll disappear.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Things not said in public

2009-10-30T00:14:00.003-07:00

For three months I've been going to a writers group within the neighborhood. Each time I have a great laugh at the wonderful dialoge that is created by such lovely women. I am inspired by thier writing talents and enjoy hearing bits and pieces of their projects. And yet somehow I leave feeling more lonely then when I went in.

When meeting with a group of stay at home moms, who are happily married, it's hard to ignore what I don't have. Friends.

I don't know how to go about aquireing one anymore. It used to be easy. I like Barbies, she like Barbies, instand friends. You were in the same class, friend. Went to the same Ward, friend. Of course when you're that young you have nothing but time to make friends.

Before I started working I had nothing but free time on my hands, so what got in my way? Knowing that everyone had lives and schedules to keep. Would it be normal or alright for me to call up every person I met and asked them if they could come over to play?

Ok let me stop right there. The reason I don't have friends is that I let myself get in the way. I intimitate myself with prejudicies of what these people may be like. Not in the negative but in all the postive attributes they have. What could they may think of me? They know so very little or nothing at all. No one seems interested in knowing. I'm an open book if only you invite me to share. Otherwise I'll keep things to myself because who really wants to hear the sop story of my life thus far. I have nothing to contribute to their ramblings of life.

Like last night, while everyone discussed their husbands and the folies of remembering important events and birthdays what do I have to say? Do I jump into the conversation and tell them that my ex could've cared less about my birthday or anniversary. That the last birthday I had with him I spent the day working while he hung out with his friends. That his gift was bought at the last minute and thrown across the counter still in the Wal-Mart bag.

Or when the topic of the hassle of getting the kids Halloween costumes comes up, do I brag about how Connie and Bina have known since last year that they would be dressing up as Prince Ali and Apu (in the form of an elephant) and are still as excited now as they were then?

Tell me these aren't conversation killers.

So the conversations roll along without me and I just nod and listen intently trying to get to know them better and get up the nerve to ask them to be my friend. I've made efforts, called a few people asking if they'd like to get together, set up a play date with not much luck. Now with work it's probably impossible. I get home around the same time the husbands return to their families and Saturdays are full with errands.

I just really need to vent. I can only talk to my family so many times about my woes and even then I don't tell them everything. It'd just be really nice to have a friend. One I could call up to talk or hang out from time to time. Share the latest in thing, talk about kids, anything to make me feel normal. There is very little I share in common with my family. My ex turned out to be a dud. These things have me feeling like there is something wrong with me.

Ugh. I am happy with who I am. Really. I just need a friend.

Mid-Week Musical Drug

2009-10-28T08:00:00.001-07:00

What would Halloween be without Micheal Jackson's "Thriller"?
It's another video that you'll have to click here to see.

I'd like to personally add another song by him from his 2001 album 'Invincible' - "Threatened"
I don't think there's an official video for it. So here's the one I liked best. It's compiled of clips from a variety of his other videos. Enjoy.

Mid-Week Musical Drug

2009-10-21T08:05:00.004-07:00

Today I bring an Anthem for all woman. A great song by India Arie "Video"

Unfortunatly the embedding feature is disabled. To have a listen click here.

Here's the lyrics. Feel free to fill in your name in place of hers.

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the
india arie

Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
but,Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your silicone I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be india arie

Work=Empty Mind?

2009-10-20T23:49:00.003-07:00

I want to sit here and write but I find I have nothing to write about. Nothing has changed.
Work has become normal. Except for last week when I didn't have any. Which has me making a list of were to get a second job or even something instead of this one. I don't mind cleaning houses I just would like something with steady, guaranteed hours. If I can work it out with my current co-worker to have me drop me off at the shopping center instead of home at the end of the day then I'll be looking for work there either part time or full time, depending who hires me. Smith's and Wal-Mart are open 24 hours so with them I could get full time. Everywhere else would be part-time.

Connie is relishing being 5. The one big difference that I noticed right away, he now eats peas! Without any fuss he ate them with the rest of his dinner. One more green veggie to add to the eats list. The other is his attempt at crocodile tears. Why he forces himself to cry I will never know. We've never babied him when he cries and over this last year I've been trying to teach him to use words to express his feelings. I also point out that he, and anyone for the matter, can cry when physically hurt. He can scream all he wants when he falls hard and scrapes his skin. But when his feelings are hurt or he gets frustrated he needs to speak. So that those around him can help him instead of aggravating him more.
Tonight Uncle R being his typical self, declared several times that he was going to devour each and every brownie. Connie cried each time. I kept pointing out to him the Uncle was just teasing and to not listen to him. So he calmed down and continued eating his dinner. Uncle not done with his taunting began again with his promise to eat all the brownies. All cried out Connie made obvious faces as he attempted to renew his tears. I don't know why when we've all told him that crying won't get his Uncle to be nice or at other moments to have all that he wants. I'll be watching to see how long this lasts.

Bina is now voicing her want to go to Preschool like her brother and is getting to comfortable in diapers. Tomorrow I'll make a sticker chart and after 5 she'll be getting treats.

Both are getting violent. Bina has always used her fist when angry and both scream their lungs out. I don't know exactly what changed but they've now began to hit me and are more violent towards one another. No ones getting beat, just hit more then often and they're even sneaking hits when they think no one is looking. Connie is always complaining that Bina is too close to him. The other day he slowly crept his foot along the floor waiting for us (Mama and I) to not be watching as he kicked his sister.

Well look at that, I did have something to write and now I'm off to bed to recharge and start all over again tomorrow.

Gathering in the pieces

2009-10-20T00:00:00.002-07:00

It's been more then 3 years since I left the ex, 8 months since the divorce was finalized and things are finally moving forward. The kids are settled and comfortable in our new neighborhood.
I've got one more box of stuff to go through and I'll be officially moved in. I've been working now as a housekeeper for 3 weeks and will soon look for a second job.

By the beginning of next year everything should be on target. Everyday getting closer to affording my own place and no longer being dependant upon others. It will still take a couple of years. If I give myself until both Connie and Bina are in school my finances should be enough for whatever we may need and anything extra that should happen in that time. Also with both of them in school, childcare won't be as expensive. As much as it would be nice and convenient to live within the same neighborhood as my parents, I don't think I could afford it long term.

Right now my focus is on working as much as I can. After a year or so I'll look at my options for going back to school. I'll have to weigh if I could afford to live on my own or would it extend our stay with my parents. I'd like to get a degree in education and work as a Jr/High school teacher. I've also thought as a back up plan to go into nursing or massage therapy.

Through out all this I have to keep reminding myself to be patient and allow myself and the kids adjust to the changes. Of course some days I just want it all at once. Just to see if all these plans will pan out in the end or if I'll be thrown a curve ball and have to start all over again. Then there's also that little nagging voice that throws in another possible outcome, finding Mr. Right.
No matter what plans I make would I let Mr. Right send me off on a different route? I'm not sure. I'd really like to have my life straighted out and know without any doubt that I can do this on my own. I'd hate to get into a relationship and switch from being dependant upon my parents to someone else. It wouldn't be fair to either one of us. Then again it's one of those things that I wouldn't mind having sooner then later.

Which is why I went crazy and joined a dating service. Crazy me, what was I thinking? Then again what's the real worry? In the last 3 months I've only had two responses. I really doubt men's interest in me would have changed over the years. I get along great with guys. I had a lot of them for friends and only friends. I'm sure that's what will keep happening. Then again knowing my luck I'll be blindsided and find myself attached. Ha, I guess I'm not as ready as I thought I was to be in a relationship. My biggest fear is repeating the same mistakes.

Time and patience is key. It'll happen all in good time is what I'll have to remind myself everyday.

Mid-Week Musical Drug

2009-10-14T07:53:00.000-07:00

Music - after the many wonderful people I've been blessed to come across in life, is a big influence on my life. It can change my mood from night to day. It's melodies can have me jumping on my feet or in a state of peaceful reverie.

I thought since I'm lacking in posts as life gets busy I'd fill in some space with a weekly special of musical numbers that have helped me at one point or another. Either by changing my mood, outlook or thinking.

Today's number is a familiar piece remastered by Maksim Mrvica. It's a great song to listen to when needing an escape from the chaos and just need to be brought back down to earth. Let yourself just be taken away. I find myself forgetting what song this is until I hear those familiar chords that make the song recognizable to all. ENJOY

Lifes traffic lanes

2009-10-13T23:28:00.004-07:00

By car, bike, plane or foot we travel. We're going and coming from one place to another. Along the way we encounter smooth roads along with the bumpy ones. We find ourselves going in circles or following an unfamiliar path. We take detours, side roads and one way streets. We may not know where we are going but we'll know it once we've arrived.

Life happens and in it there are things that we can't prevent and are left helpless, frustrated, annoyed, tired and disappointed. What started out as a calm trip turns sour.

When my Mamita Mary passed away last Sunday there was little debate about whether or not my Mother would be going down for the funeral. It's an expensive trip and they'd just make do with what came after. She left Monday morning and arrived the morning of. There is no direct flight or even one that leads straight down. You've got to travel east, then west and once again east. It takes almost 2 days. All went smoothly for her arrival to La Paz.

The road block came on her return trip. The plane had some problems, I don't have all the details. She is now in Lima Peru, and just recently, after 10 hours in the airport has a room at a hotel for 3 hours. She will then hop onto another plane for O'Hare airport in Chicago. From there I don't know when she'll arrive home. I don't know how she's doing personally. I just know, through facebook postings, that my Dad and sister are furious. I reluctantly added my thought to theirs. "Thank God it didn't happen at the beginning of the trip." I'm expecting them to guff and grumble that I don't know what I'm talking about. As if it makes a difference.

For me it does. If this delay had happened before the funeral my Mom would not have been in attendance. I would pay any cost to bid farewell a relative, including any delay or hassle in travel. How angry can you get when the bigger loss has already passed? She'll be sure to be home a few hours later. We'll be here ready to make her comfortable at home after the week she's had. The delay in flight I'm sure will be the first topic in conversation but it will be quickly forgotten as we remember the reason for her journey and our thoughts turn to our family. It's a minor inconvience in the whole scheme of things.

If any of my family should read this I'm certain that I was the only person to not freak out and curse the airline. What a wierdo I am huh. Really what good does it do? She's still coming home. There are much worse things that can happen. When and if I should encounter them, then I'll throw my tantrum.

My thoughts are not my own.

2009-10-13T09:14:00.003-07:00

I can't tell you how many times I've thought of something, simple or complicated and not put any action into it. This morning I got up, dressed the kids, fed them and dressed myself for work. I pulled my tools out of the garage and waited for my ride. The new girl was also waiting a couple houses down in her vehicle. The thought came to me "Maybe I'll ride with her today. Get to know her better." It would've been easy, just grab my stuff, walk out and tap on her window. What stopped me? My own insecurities. I'm always getting in my own way. So I didn't. I just sat and waited. Then another thought came to mind. "I'll wait outside." Didn't do that either. So why are these two ideas important? Because in hindsight, if I had done either one of these, especially the first I'd be at work and not here at home.

There was a simple misunderstanding. It happens. I'm just happy to be working at all. However I don't think I'll allow myself to be so sweet when I'm given an option to work or not. I don't want them to think that I don't care about the job. I defiantly need the hours if I'm going to save enough to move out. The goal is to be out on my own by the time Bina goes to school. That won't happen if I don't take every opportunity to work when given.

Upon further reflection I've had many of these moments of random impressions and the reaction is usually the same. I don't do much about it. Why? Because they seem so simple, so ordinary but in reality they're guided inspiration. No matter my faults, troubles or numerous blessings I always seem to be given more then I can ever imagine by my Heavenly Father. It reminds me of the account in the desert as Moses and his people were becoming ill. The cure was a simple one. Look upon the snake on the staff and their health would be restored. So many refused. It was too good to be true. Silly even. The same occured when, forgive my lack of exact knowledge, a man in high authority was told to wash, 7 times, in the river and he would be made whole. He was expecting some grand miracle to be performed by the Prophet in person.

I find my reactions to be similar with one major difference. These people prayed and cried to be helped. When these simple impulses to act enter my mind I am rarely in dire straights. My world is calm and at peace. There is no need to call upon the Lord for help because there is nothing wrong, yet. And that's it, nothing bad has happened yet, but my mind is at ease and I've heard it told so many times that the spirit is stronger and easier to hear then. It's always there with me. When I'm stressed and my mind is racing I have a harder time knowing what's the right thing to do. I'm praying and calling out for help. Not until I calm down do I realize that things are alright and I'm able to fix the problem. When there is no problem the Holy Ghost is already giving me hints of what's to come.

I'm in no way the most spiritual or religious person. I do attend church on Sundays and carry out the responsibilities of my callings. I do not read my scriptures, have family home evening or say my prayers on a regular bases. In fact it's a rare occasion. I hate to admit it but it's true. I've done many things I'm not proud of and yet God's love is always present. His blessings are endless.

I really need to get this into my head; listen and act on all good ideas. Stop getting in my own way. If I make a mistake, take note and continue to learn to discern between the spirit and my own mind.

Sleep. Sleep Now!

2009-10-10T20:45:00.002-07:00

HELP!! I can't seem to get my kids to fall asleep. They share a room and have seperate bed times. They no longer take naps, unless extremely fussy. Baths just wake them up more then ease them into relaxation. I can read till the cows come home.

The only times I've been successful at having them fall asleep, within 30 minutes, is when the whole basement was dark and silent. That doesn't happen unless I have the house to myself. Which only happens when everyone else is away. Otherwise they're up for an extra 2 hours.

So I'm asking, How do you put your kids to sleep? What works for you? Do any of you use those white noise machines?

The 5th Party

2009-10-10T15:30:00.002-07:00

All that mattered is how much fun they had.

I on the other hand was a little crazed. There were many things that I needed or wanted to get done before the party.

Clean the bathroom - check

Put clean clothes away - still in the basket

Vacuum - broken

Wash comforters - check

Make beds - 2 down 1 to go

Do the dishes - half way done

Sweep and swiffer the floor - crummy

Make pieces for monster hand puppets - done while the boys played with cars and trains

Nap for Bina - lol

Make the cake - done, obviously

When it was all over, I'm pleased with how it all came out.

Now to make dinner.

Here comes year 6

2009-10-09T00:12:00.000-07:00

Connie turned 5 yesturday. I spent the day working and he spent his day with cartoons. Wednesday night I took him to see Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D. I love going to the movies. I don't frequent the theaters as I once used to, when I was single with money. So this was a treat for both Connie and I. His first viewing on the big screen was WALL-E and he loved every minute of it.

This time around not only were we going to watch 2 movies but in 3D. Which I wonder if he even noticed. He had no problem wearing the glasses but there was nothing in the movie that really popped out to make him say "wow". I of course noticed and didn't mind watching Toy Story for the umpteenth time. It was a good night. For dinner we had nachos, popcorn and chocolate. During the 1st there were only 2 other families. When it ended they left and we had the theater all to ourselves. 4 hours spent in the dark; eating, watching, walking in between shows and chatting. I don't know when we'll have time just the two of us again like that, with no interuptions.

He's always been my sweet heart. I thank God for him everyday. Especially when I don't feel very much like a mom, let alone a good one. I somehow get myself into denial. Wondering how it's possible that I'm a Mommy. I can't decide if it's just me or my living situation or a bit of both. But even that doesn't take away from the joy I feel when the good times roll and I see his smiling face.

Happy Birthday Connie!

Mamita Mary

2009-10-04T21:41:00.006-07:00

She was a wonderful woman, dedicated to her family and worked hard to ensure that they were taken care of. She instilled in my mother the importance of cleanliness, hard work and family. She was born into a large family of 12. When hard times fell upon them she prevailed. She married my Papi Hugo and with him raised 5 children until he passed away from lifes complications in his 40's. Mamita Mary kept pushing foward and managed her home with the help of her growing children. Life would never come easy but each day was a blessing, shared among family, good food and a roof over their heads.

My memories of her begin when my family and I, 9 years after Mom and I went with Dad to make a life in Arizona, went down to visit them in La Paz. We had a wonderful time getting to know the other half of our family. The days were spent in tours of the country, conversation and play. The nights were filled with laughter and games of cacho. I spent many nights sleeping beside my mamita mary. Although the beds were old and thinner then what we had back home. I never had better sleep then when I was with her. One night I noticed that she never took off her watch. I asked her if she always slept with it and she then proceed to remove it from her wrist and handed it to me. I still have that watch in a small ziploc bag. It fell apart one day and I have yet to get it repaired. Before then I had never taken it off.

One of my favorite memories with her is playing "Lobo, lobo" (wolf, wolf) We, the kids, would chant to the wolf, tauntingly. Then we'd notice the knife and ask what it was for. Mamity Mary always played the lobo and we'd run from her laughing and giggling.

My second memory is sitting to watch novelas. Like clockwork we'd all drop what we were doing and gather to watch on the little tv the novela, "Dos Mujes, Un Camino". A story about a man in love with two woman and everything else in between.

That was 16 years ago. I haven't been down since. Finances are the main reason, the countries turmoil was the other. Niether of my parents felt it was safe for me to go on my own. Of course in my mind there is always a goal to return. Although I won't see her there when I go, I will always remember her. When ever I gathered enough courage to talk to her with my broken spanish I treasured every word. Most of the time it was spent sharing tears, the distance was always hard but the love was always there. Mom went down for 3 months as her health wained. I sent a video clip expressing my love and gratitude to my Mamita Mary and sent my regrets at not having visited her since.

Every night I prayed for her as well as for those at her side. She is now at peace and whole again. My prayers continue for my family in their grief.

What a wonderful blessing the knowledge I have gained by having been taught the Gospel of Jesus Christ and God's Plan of Salvation. My grief at loss is little. I know that there is an end to this mortal life but that an eternity with our Father in Heaven awaits us. Not only that but we will all be reunited with our loved ones. The tears I shed are not for her. They are for those left behind who have yet to understand this infinate truth. This life is not the end, it continues after we leave this earth. It drags on for years but it is only but a small moment in eternity. I thank my Heavenly Father for the time I spent with Mamita Mary and for being blessed to be a part of her family.

Tio Ronald, Mamita Mary and Tio Rudy

Mamita Mary and Mom

Tio Ronald and Mamita Mary

Grandson Chris, Mamita Mary and Lizette (his wife).

Mamita Mary with the youngest two Great Grandchildren. One day she'll meet with the older two, Connie and Bina. They know who she is and point her out as their Great Grandma in every picture they see of her.

Mamita Mary

2009-10-04T21:38:00.001-07:00

Tio Ronald and Mamita Mary

Mamita Mary with the Granddaughters, minus Bosch and I.

Mamita Mary and her kids; Tio Ronald, Tia Mary, Tio Rudy, Tia Roxana and Mom

Tia Roxana and Mamita.

Thanks Target

2009-10-03T21:40:00.002-07:00

It's a great place to shop. This week in their $1.00 aisle we found the theme for Connie's Birthday Party. He'll be turning 5 on Thursday! You'd think that'd be hard to believe but with all that's happened in that time it's been easier to keep track of the passing time.

He's been a lot of fun to have as a son. He's my ray of sunshine and a great cuddler. So of course we'll be having a Monster party. Being close to Halloween filling the goodie bags with candy is just too much. In the $1.00 aisle we found our montser items; pencils, stickers, stamps, and a kit to create your own paper framed monsters. I also have plans to create cut outs so that the boys can make paper bag puppets. On top of that since Connie loved his 3rd Birthday cake, a tower of cupcakes, we'll be doing that again and have each of them decorate it with sprinkles and writing gel. I hope the boys have fun. You just never know how long they'll sit for to focus on a project.

Bina found her theme at Target too. She's my independant, spoiled, screamer so it's only fitting that we have a Princess party.

What I've learned this week.

2009-09-26T18:22:00.001-07:00

#1. A clean house can be made spotless in 2 hours.

#2. A filthy house, no matter the size, will not.

From clean to filthy, I saw them all this week. You can tell a lot about the people in the house from the state it's in. Never mind the fact of how clean it is or isn't. Once you see what's behind the items you can see the family. All about the girl/boy/kids. In love with the ocean. Handy/Creative people. The Great Outdoors. The American Dream. Home Sweet Home. Peace. Organized Chaos. It's given me time, as I wipe the grime and dust off, to reflect on the family I want to raise and become.

Now back to the cleanliness, 2 hours, is the allotted time given for most of our clients. So far my timing isn't great but thanks to my co-worker it gets done. Some houses would be great to have more time and some don't need the full time. Once I get to know all our clients I will have my cleaning timed and set so that I can do the job right.

#3 Connie is not ready for organized sports.

I've known this for a while and have finally admitted it. He still doesn't get it. Half of it is him and the other half is my fault. He's just so happy to be outside with kids his own age, he takes advantage of it by playing tag and running everywhere else besides where the ball is going.

He's much better at still and quiet games. Things he can focus on without having to go chasing after it. We'll try again in 2 years. Today both he and Bina were dancing together, hand in hand. So maybe instead of sports I'll put him into a dance class instead.

#4 A job well done is very satisfying.

I already knew this but on Friday after cleaning a messy kitchen, a piece at a time, it looked great. I just couldn't help but smile. After going for so long with out a job it's wonderful to be at it again. It's not glamorous. It's tedious work but going home knowing that I've provided a service that makes peoples lives a little easier AND allows me to provide the basic necessities for my family is FANTASTIC!!

#5 Change, good or bad, affects everyone.

Another thing I already know just reminded. Bina is feeling the difference. Friday night she cried and fell asleep in my arms while I apologized and made her promises of the life I want for us. Working is the beginning for us. Each week we'll get closer, slow as it may be, to being an independent and secure family. We'll one day have our own place where we can set the rules and standards for our home. We will no longer have to be subjected to anything that diverts our actions or thoughts from the Spirit. Unless and only if we ourselves bring it into our home. I will no longer be subjected to criticism that makes me feel inferior, stupid or a bad mother.

Ok, don't get the wrong idea. My family is great but we are different. Our choices, wants and minds are different. I want a G rated home. Right now that's not happening. I want a home where I can test and use my children's strengths and weakness. There is research that shows us how smart kids are as they grow. I see proof of it every day in my own two kids. More then anything I want them to learn, know and use their abilities because as a single mom I know I won't be there every step of the way. Connie is great at figuring things out. He can put 2 and 2 together. Bina knows exactly what she wants and knows how to get it. It's not always the right way but she corrects it quickly and when reminded. She is Miss Independent. Every day they are figuring things out and learning fast that by working together they can almost do everything they want. They'll be turning 5 and 3 this fall but there are days when I look at them and the number doesn't matter. One day we'll have that little house/apartment and it will be a simpler less chaotic life. Sure we'll still have bad days but I won't feel embarrased to kneel down with them and pray the moment we need it. Sunday's will truly be a day of peace and rest.

I love my family I just want something different then what they have.

Ok, that was a little heavy. I learned quiet a few things this week. It was a wonderful week and they'll only get better, even with bumps.

Hello clean

2009-09-24T17:25:00.003-07:00

How would you like to go to bed without a care for the state your house is in. Wake up the following morning to the orange scent of cleaners. Drop the kids off at pre-school and return to a completely clean house?

Or to enjoy the afternoon sitting to read your mail, magazines while watching your favorite shows prerecorded and set to view at your leisure, while the house becomes spotless?

Ta-DA! We have winners. Thanks to my co-worker and I we made these moments possible today for two lucky woman.

This I don't mind in the least, cleaning up after someone else. If they're going to pay me, so be it. Money in my pocket and boy it's been too long since I've had anything useful in my pocket. I started work this week for a house cleaning company. It's a perfect fit since I don't have a car and am able to ride with a partner from house to house. I just need to be faster. I look at the time and think all is well. Then realize that there is still a whole house to clean. Some are easy, I'm there to make it shine. Others, we're there to set the house straight after a week of living. Toys, clothes, trash, papers, pet hair, soap scum, dishes, all that's within has been used and left for the maids. Now that takes more then 2 hours to fix.

Work is usually done in pairs. This week there were three of us to cover my training. Tomorrow it's just the two of us. We'll see if I'm up to cleaning a whole house in two hours. Can you?

Mistake #1

2009-09-22T17:02:00.002-07:00

Is yet unknown but I had my first complaint today. All that was said that they were not happy with my work. Which is hard to be sure because they were not present to view my work. It bugs me that I don't know more. I don't want to keep making the same mistake., whatever it is.

So, not a big deal. It's bound to happen. The new girl working with experts. She's going to miss something, it's not going to shine the same. Ce la vie.

It's another day tomorrow and I'm still HAPPY!

The power of clean

2009-09-21T20:08:00.002-07:00

I have yet become the housekeeper I should be. My room is again littered with things that don't have a place. However I am now employed as a professional house cleaner. Well more of a spot checker. Today was my first day of work in 3 years! It didn't even feel like work. My first assignment; two houses that were large, spacious and clean. My job; to make them shine, dust, wipe, sanitize, mop and vacuum. It was an easy day. I'm sure that once our day is put onto a normal schedule of 4 houses, 2 hours each, things will feel like work.

So far so good and I love being back to work.

I'VE GOT A JOB!

2009-09-19T21:34:00.002-07:00

I start on Monday!

Starting Pre-school, again.

2009-09-15T20:33:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday, Connie woke up around 8:30 and got ready for Preschool. He said his goodbyes and off we went. I really enjoy walking him to school. It's just him and I like it once was before Bina came along. I tend to pick on him being the oldest and my big boy. Spending those few minutes with him is wonderful. He's been having a great time at Preschool and next week he'll be doing it double. Right now he goes 3 times a week. Starting next week on Tue and Thurs with a small group of other kids starting Kindergarten next year we'll be doing a home based preschool. Each parent will take a week to teach them the ABC's, numbers, social skills, and the basic Kindergarten curriculum. One of the girls we had today will be in that group.

I decided that I would use this first week to see what each kid knows. It should come in handy to know which kids already recognize the ABC's and numbers and who'll be learning them for the first time. This way the parents can plan their lessons accordingly as well as know which of the kids they can use as helpers. If all runs smoothly this should be a great group. Not only will they learn the basics but they'll also be exposed to different teaching methods, house rules and personalities.

Connie is the only one who recognizes all the letters. Last night I was thinking about taking him out of the Preschool he's attending now and just have him in this homeschool. I'd have $100 to use for other things. Well after today I know he'll do better at ABC's then within the homeschool. I found myself trying to ignore him or cut him out just to give the other kids a chance. I'm going to have to find some way to make sure he gets his turns just like the others. I'd hate to have him get discourged and loose his interest in learning. So he'll stay in his original class. He's making friends and the teachers love him.

All we did today was sing the ABC's and identify as many as they could. They all had a lot of fun. On Thursday we'll go over numbers 1-10 and maybe to 20.

The boy and the ball.

2009-09-12T18:09:00.003-07:00

Slowly (very slowly) Connie is beginning to get the concept of the game of Soccer. Grandpa went to watch and capture the moment. Fun was had by all and I laughed a lot. To see what transpired to have me in outbursts click over to the kids blog.

Here's a sample;

Something to Remember

2009-09-11T09:30:00.003-07:00

For me this day comes and goes like any other. The only difference is that for a few moments throughout I remember what it was like to be in a different country as the country I love was suffering through the one of the most horrific, if not the most, tragedies. Watching the events unfold that morning on the news was surreal. What made it even more so was when I went into work and all was normal. I couldn't tell if anyone else knew what I knew. Did it really happen? I was afraid to ask. If I asked then it would be real. IT also felt weird to try to toss it casually into conversation. I was at a loss of what to do. I knew that while I was at work in the calmness of the steady stream of work, many people in the US would be frantically calling everyone and anyone they knew to verify if what they saw was real, to verify their safety, to know that they were still ok and were going to be ok. I so wanted to be one of them. I wanted to call out and join in the search for security amidst the chaos. I wanted to be among those who were rallying their resources to help those who were hurting. I don't know how I made it through work without breaking down. There were no tears to cry because all I felt was helpless and alone.

When I got home that's when I began to feel normal again. My Dad who had left the day before for Aruba had called to inform us that he was alright. That he was at the hotel awaiting orders as to what to do next. The airport was closed and the Immigration offices were meeting to see what was to do be done and how to continue afterwards. My family was feeling the same way I was. We were confused at what to do next. All we wanted to do at that moment was head home to the US and be with our country men during this crisis. Instead we did stayed tune to any reports and watched as the after math unfolded.

What I took out of this experience has only added to what I already knew. Cherish your families, cherish the life that you have. There is a world outside our own and we must always be aware of it. There are many wonderful things out there as well as dangerous. We must join together as a human race and learn to love and work together to coexist. We don't need to all live the exact same lives but to enjoy the differences and variety we all have to offer. We can't let pride, greed and selfishness to be our driving forces in life. We need to share the wealth. You can't take it with you. This was a wake up call and many have followed to remind us and warn us of that our priorities are crooked. Life is fleeting and can be snatched in a blink of an eye. Stop and smell the roses. You don't need to own the flower shop to enjoy them. Enjoy the simple things. Money is not the end all be all. Yes, it's necessary but don't let it drive you to forget to enjoy your family instead of all the material wealth you can give them.

This day will always be in my memory. I am not the only person in this world. There are others living and breathing as I do. We as a country are blessed. For us it was only one day of what most of the world experiences every day. We don't have to wait for disasters to help our neighbors. There is much to be done. Waiting for laws and regulations to even the financial and economical divide isn't going to move us toward happiness when we can have it now. Use what you NEED and share the rest. Save for the rainy day even if that rainy day should never come over your house. Pass it on to those who are in the floods. Let's every day rally that same want and need to check that everyone is ok. We all need to know that we are Ok and we can be.

Busy and without the work

2009-09-09T19:12:00.003-07:00

Today I was up early, a rare thing in this household. We do enjoy our sleep. Today was marked to be a busy day. A friend of mine will soon be having her baby and to help out we had her youngest girls over to play for the day. Bina woke up crying and screaming for Mommy. Something she tends to do when I'm not found in bed. She trudged upstairs and calmed down when she knew that I hadn't abandoned her. She also wakes up with a huge appetite. I took care of that with zucchini bread. I took the other girls down to play and they made themselves comfortable in the kiddie chairs and surrounded themselves with toys. They remained that way for most of the morning.

Being Wednesday I had to get to church to teach my Aerobics/Dance class. I'm no professional but I enjoy both and found this to be a great way to know the people in the neighborhood and become active once more. I started out walking with all three girls (Connie was in preschool) but as it happens with kids, one tripped over her feet and skinned her elbow. Grandma hearing the screams came to take the sisters back to the house and Bina and I kept going. It was a good work out and each week I'm getting better at it.

Lunch was next on our to do list and we all enjoyed some Mac&Cheese with hot dogs and corn. With Connie now back from Preschool we all went down to play in the basement. Around 2 I went out to get the boy I babysit after school and brought him back to the house. They all took a break from playing and watched Ratatouille. I managed to clear off most of the clutter on my desk and am getting closer to completely organizing my things into my tiny room.

J being bored with the toddlers, I took him back to his place and we played video games. It's his favorite way to wind down and I don't mind joining him. Especially since most of the games he has I played when I was younger.

After a busy day pizza and a round of soccer with the neighbors was in order. Bina passed out 5 minutes after getting home and Connie is now sleeping.

It was a great day. Maybe there is something to getting up early. LOL

Blessed Twice

2009-09-07T23:06:00.002-07:00

"Mommy is still a word that comes floating to me as if for the first time."

There isn't a day that goes by when I don't thank God for the TWO angels he sent me. No matter how the day went, what messes where made and how many times my eardrums were shattered, I am indebted to Him for having entrusted me with both of them, despite the uncertain and unstable life I lead myself into.

Connie couldn't have been any easier to manage as an infant. He was the only sunshine in my life. Nothing else mattered because nothing else gave me more satisfaction and results as he did, day by day. All I ever wanted for my life was simplicity. Not that I was expecting an easy life but just a simple one, one without the rush to beat the Jones', climb the social ladder, or acquire the latest and best money had to buy. Connie gave me that, he was that. He lit up the room in my darkest moments and knew when I needed that extra minute of cuddle time. He never pulled away. He was my shadow. I know that's typical for children with their mothers but for me it was what I needed most. He needed me and I needed him, there was trust even after the fumbles. What lacked in my marital relationship, I could find in the simplest form in Connie. As time went on I knew that it would soon be just him and I.

When I received the news that I was expecting another child I smiled, knowing full well that it was all or nothing and likely the latter. Regardless, I still smiled because it would no longer just be Connie and I. He would now have someone to share this shattered family with. To distract him from the troubles that may one day come as a result of my failure. He would have someone to play, grow with and love all on his own.

Bina was born the day after Halloween. It was love at first sight. He didn't want to leave her side. He was so fascinated with the fact that she had a little body just like his. As time went on she began to show recognition towards her big brother. They've grown a wonderful relationship, typical of most siblings but within it there is pride. They never pass the chance to introduce each other to anyone who'll listen. They won't let anyone forget that they are family. In any drawing that Connie makes of people Bina is always there. I have only been privileged to be in one or two. At his first Primary activity they were instructed to draw their Eternal Families. He drew only two figures, Bina and himself.

This isn't going to be an easy life. More and more I'm realizing that they were sent to me not for my benefit but for each other. I'm always going to be their Mommy. I'll always be for there for them. But after I've gone, whenever that time comes, they'll still be Connie and Bina, forever and always. For that I am gratefull.

Pre-teens at the Park

2009-09-02T22:21:00.002-07:00

I have mentioned before that on many occasions when we venture out into the neighborhood I am the only parent tagging along. So while at the park I am appointed as the fan and helper of every child who has a trick to show or copy. Now this parks age dynamic had an interesting gap, from my observations in the 4 months we've been here. The children I see are either 6 and under or 10-14 years old. It makes my time there less boring. Like today...

While my kids amused themselves with rounds of ring -a -around the rosies, the preteens take over the playground equipment with their game of Groundies. One player is 'it' and walks around with their eyes closed hoping to tag another player. If they call out groundies and someone has a foot on the ground they automatically become it. It's fun to watch them climb around like monkeys clinging to the farthest part of the playground. Every now and then one will text a friend or take a call and attempt to get out of being it by calling 'time out'. It usually doesn't work. During these games a lot is said between them that has me digging through my memories for any similar power struggles, plays for acceptance, gossip and coming of age confusion. A boy is teased to have a girlfriend. His defence "I'm not allowed to date until I'm 16." This I'm tagging to be a Utah thing. In all the places I've lived no one would ever use their parents rule for a defense. If you did, you'd enter a round of ridicule and questioning. Our defense used to be "Yeah, I've got a friend and she's a girl. So what." Then rounds of "sittin in a tree" would be sung until someone had a better topic of discussion. Here everyone knows that 16 is the rule, period. So ther are no questions to follow because they all know it applies to them aswell.

Something that comes into their conversations from time to time are words that have me checking to see if my kids have heard it too. So far they are completely oblivious but I still make sure every time because I know it won't last much longer. Bina proved it to me the other day. R's favorite phrase is "shut up". Well being siblings it's often said to me and Bina being right in the middle of us repeated it. I gave her a stern look and told her that it's not polite to say. For now she's forgotten it. It's only a matter of time before Connie says it and doesn't let it go. Anyways... back to the pre-teens; today they decided to share and expose their curiosity and knowledge of swear words. It shocked me to hear what they knew. I was completely oblivious to these things at their age. I'm sure I had heard some of them before, mostly out of context, while living in California. I remember learning that flipping someone off was a very bad thing. However I never knew what that gesture was. Not even when a couple of girls, on the school bus, decided to show off and flip the bird to a man on the street did I realize what they had done. I just knew the man was angry.

What makes me upset and want to have a good talk with these kids is how they treat each other. Ugh, where do they learn these things? Who teaches them to give the cold shoulder or shun each other? Today a girl riding her bike past the park was called over by another girl to play. As she walks up the whole posse meet her and inform her that they already have enough players. The girl who called her over, remains quiet. They continue talking when one of the top girls decides to trick this girl into leaving by informing the others that they were to pretend to go home for dinner. Of course they don't really leave and the girl hangs around to see what happens. Another group of kids come on the park and are greated happily by the posse and invited to play. The other girl sees this and is upset, she says somethings and leaves. Ugh.

If my kids ever do this they will have such a talking to. I won't stand for it. I've been that girl aswell as the girl who stays quiet. I didn't like it then and I still don't now. I was lucky enough as I progressed through school to find people who liked me for me and accepted the fact that I was going to like who ever I wanted. Of course things were still said but nothing damaging.

Watching these pre-teens has made me aware and reminded me of what I have ahead of me. It may be 7 years away but the sooner I nip these things in the bud the better. I want my kids to be different, to enjoy the differences in their peers and to have decent manners, respect and love for their peers. It may be a lot to ask but even a tiny piece of that can go a long way. Don't you think?

The 1st week review

2009-08-30T21:37:00.003-07:00

Who would have known that having Connie in Preschool could have me so busy. Alright it's not only Preschool but things did get piled up last week. Since I didn't get around to attending the kickboxing or pilates classes I started up my own. This last month every Tuesday I have been teaching an aerobics/dance class. Volunteering myself to coordinate the class has motivated me to exercize more and to get a day to day routine for my family. It's a small group of 2-3 woman and with school in swing the numbers may grow due to the extra free time mom's now find themselves with.

The next thing to enter our schedule was a part-time job, more of a chore actually. I watch a boy after school for 3 hours. With money being tight in every home I make only enough to pay for Connie's Preschool. Which for me is great, right now. I am happy to take on this financial responsiblity instead of adding another thing to my parents. He's a good kid who enjoys his down time on the couch, easy work. Our only incident, so far, was whether or not he should ride his bike with or without a helmet. The whole time as I pointed out to him that because his parents had just bought him a helmet that the rule must be to wear it at all times when riding he argued against me. I told him that regardless of what his parents allow or don't allow that while with me he would wear his helmet. We sat there for about a good ten minutes at a stand still. When his Mom arrived he quickly asked her if he had to wear the helmet. She said yes. At that he threw it to the floor, marched toward me and said "Thanks a lot" before entering the house. The next day all was forgotten and he wore he wears it without complaint.

Now if this isn't enough starting the second week of Sept with a few other moms in the neighborhood I'll be teaching a Preschool class on Tuesdays and Thursdays for about 2 hours. It's for our kids who'll be going to Kindergarten next year. We'll each take a week at a time to teach them the Alphabet, Math (counting, time, money), social skills, and basic literature (story telling & sequence) with a little bit of science tossed in here and there. Connie will have a full week of Preschool with these mini classes.

So here's the overview:
Monday - Connie goes to Preschool in the morning and has soccer practice in the evening. I 'work' in the afternoon and am done just in time for practice.
Tuesday - Home preschool in the morning. 'work'
Wednesday - Aerobic/Dance class. Preschool 'for Connie. 'work'
Thursday - Home preschool and Scripture study group. 'work' On the last, Writer's group at night.
Friday - Preschool, play group for Bina, 'work', Soccer game
Saturday - FREE DAY
Sunday - Church

The great thing to come out of all this busyness is that the kids are taking naps every day! Right after lunch I lay them down and they're out for an hour and a half. This works out great for them and Grandma who can do a few things before having to care for them while I'm gone.

Coming up this week - Bina will be potty trained. She wore big girl underware today and only had one accident, before bed. She'll still be sleeping in a pull up for a while.

Coming up in the next month - I'm going to apply for a graveyard shift at both of the 24 hour stores in the area. I figure since Dad has the car all day, I could use it at night. Or well there'd be no problem in getting a ride to work at night. Besides being a night owl I could become productive instead of just wasteful in my procrastination of sleep.

I am very happy about being active again. It's so much nicer then the drag and depressing I've been living these past 3 years. YAY! to busy!

"Untitled Writings"

2009-08-28T23:42:00.003-07:00

After attending a Writers Group in the neighborhood I've been inspired to get three projects out of my head and onto 'paper'. I've started another blog to put out my ideas. I would love to know what you think and if you'd be interested in reading more.

The first is a mini biography following the events that have lead me to where I find myself currently; mentally, physically and spiritually.

The second is a fiction tale of a woman in her 30's who learns that there is a hidden world inside her reality filled with vampires, faeries, wereanimals and goblins. The descendant of a Vampire Lord, falling for a werecat, working for faeries and a single mother of 2 it's all about to hit the fan.

And last a series of children's books combining science, religion, humanity and self confidence. You'd think that out of the three this would be the easiest. Uh uh, I'm getting hung up on the lack of illustrations. I've got 20 topics ready to go I just feel that without images I can't get the right flow of words to match.

You can find it all here. Any criticism, good or bad is appreciated.

A must have, because every little bit helps.

2009-08-25T07:10:00.001-07:00

It's hidden in there some where and tends to come out at odd times; my inner strength. Having it in full swing at all times would be awesome. So of course I would love to win this book; "Discovering Your Inner Strength" by 7 different intelligent authors, being given away by Anne Bradshaw.

Smile it's School Time!

2009-08-24T21:55:00.000-07:00

Without the hustle that usually occurs before the first day of school; buying of supplies, new clothes and such, ours was pretty relaxed. There was no list of supplies or even cold feet to get in our way. The only obstacle was sleep. We just can't seem to get enough but we made it. He talked up every adult in site and was ready to walk away and follow his teacher where ever she went.

He spent his 1st day of Preschool playing in the yard, learning the soft sound of letter A, reading new stories and singing new songs. What I'm looking foward to is him learning how to behave in a classroom. He can be very talkative and with the right friend cause a rucous. So far things are looking good.

A Good Day

2009-08-20T22:50:00.004-07:00

So the kids have the sniffles, another pajama day with movies and cartoons. Kix for breakfast and a mix for lunch. Connie didn't care for his favorites. A nap for the sleepy sick heads. Laundry and an attempt to clear out the mess for Mommy. Some computer time in between. Children rediscovering their toys without leaving a mess. Dinner at 6:30; spaghetti with homemade sauce using fresh cherry tomatoes and green bell pepper from the garden. Smile and relief on my face as I sat and watched them eat every last bite. Reward: Ice pop. As it melts over their fingers I saved some plums from being thrown out. Making them into dessert that lacked some sugar. Took note. More cartoons followed by a small fit when their over. More toy time. A bath for Bina. Teeth, kisses good night, a bed time story and an hour of sneaking around for more play time. Separation is a must and Bina is the first to fall asleep. Yes, Connie can return to bed and fall asleep.

Now I just sit here dawdling, waiting for sleep to hit me and drag me off to bed.

2 Days Late

2009-08-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

Since all my memories and happenings have been posted late and are yet to be posted being only 2 days late for Prompt Tuesday isn't so bad.

This week we are to answer three questions;

1. Who are you?

2. Where did you come from?

3. Where are you going?

I find this fitting for my current mental condition. Nothing terrible just a little frantic and unorganized.

1. Who am I? A woman too much for the limited hours in the day or rather I'm wanting to be too many things. An Entrepreneur, a Teacher, perhaps a Nurse, an Artist, Friend, Writer, Molly Mormon, Scholar, Dancer, Farmer, Wife and the list grows. For certain I am a woman with many dreams and desires, just waiting and moving along to see what becomes the reality. The reality thus far is that I am still a child hiding in a mature woman's body. Not quite ready to face the world alone, once more, with two little ones in tow.

Mommy is still a word that comes floating to me as if for the first time. Reminding me that nearly 5 years have elapsed in a blink of an eye. Mommy is struggling not to go nuts on the kids while she's figuring out where she fits in. Sure I'm Mommy but that can't be all of me. I'm a Mommy without a Daddy. Mommy needs to become bread winner and bread winner needs to become homemaker and homemaker needs to become Mommy, friend, doctor, playmate, teacher, and confidant. That is me in the singular. I am also currently re-serving my time as Sister and Daughter because the Mommy above is looking for the key that leads outside.

The Sister is fighting for her place at the top of the castle. "I'm older and better. Nah nah nah na na nah." Sister isn't bad, just the outcast of the siblings. She walks down the straight and narrow or gives the impression that she did/does again. Sister is a girl who wants more from her siblings then they are wired to give. Talkative and a mother hen she gives unwanted advice but is a great listener. Will always be there for D, I and R.

Daughter is a confused woman wondering why she's still a girl. Wanting to be an adult but just not getting it right. Still not old/wise enough to sit at the big table but too big for the high chair. She knows better now but still working on getting it right on paper. Making mistakes along the way and praying for forgiveness. Learning the lessons that come about day by day. Observing and following their example to be better.

2. Where did I come from? The Heavens created by He who is the Beginning and End. To say more is longer then I have time or space.

3. Where am I going? As far as I can see, I'm off to where ever a home can be made to house my little family. To a career that will satisfy the worldly and physical needs demanded in this mortal life. To a life of peace within the chaos.

"DJ just play that song"

2009-08-10T21:42:00.002-07:00

I have to declare that I finally have an answer to a question that is given out at random; through tags, emails and slowed conversation. What's one thing you can't live without?

MUSIC!

Yes. I love my family very much. I have strong faith and belief in God and His restored Gospel. Food is a necessity and a pleasure to ingest. But Ah, music, it's the glue that holds it all together for me.

There is nothing like a house filled with music that is enjoyed by all. Head nods and finger tapping coming from my Father, the ridged and untrained dance moves executed by the kids, the zoned out faces of my siblings and the karaoke performance by Mom and I doing my own thing all to the beat of the music. I'll zone out, dance off, karaoke or play my fingers. Out of the many things you will always experience in our house one will always be present no matter what. Yeah, it's always playing some where. Most of the time it's loud and for all to hear whether you like it or not. If enough protest is made then you'll hear a faint humming oozing out of the ears that can't hold the reverberating rhythm.

It's the only thing guaranteed to lift me up out of a sour mood and drag me out of depression. It wakes me up and invigorates the soul. Whether I'm at home listening to my favorites or out and about listening to the various radio stations played over the store speakers it hits my core and invites me to dance along. Even at church if sung/played just right it sends goose bumps along my skin. Many times it's transported me to the memories hidden behind the present. Family and friends appear before my face and warmth fills my heart. It has even brought back passages from favorite books that I read once or twice a melody played in the background.

I love music, I don't know if I could ever go a whole day without hearing any. Just never ask me to name every song or artist. I know a few but most I just listen in ignorance to whose behind it. I just listen.

Filling in the blanks

2009-08-10T20:46:00.004-07:00

Ugh, my brain and body are mush. I have plenty to write about but I just haven't been in the mood. I guess I'll start from the beginning with the first let down.

3 weeks ago I decided to try a recipe for Hush puppies given to me by a Sis. Missionary from the South. She only showed me how to make them once and that was more then a year ago. I had posted the recipe here and a craving grew as beet greens and cod sat in the fridge. Also important to note I've never cooked cod or beet greens before. First I made the batter for the puppies. I heated the oil and did the prep work on the greens. I dropped the first puppy into the oil and it fizzled out like a bath bomb. I cleaned out the crumbs from the oil and tried again making sure the ball was packed tight. Still all that resulted was a pot of fried corn meal. I frantically looked online for a better recipe. What I found was that I was missing a crucial ingredient, something to hold all the crumbs together; an egg. So I added the egg and tried it again. Eureka! It stuck but now the color was all wrong. So I changed the oil and while it heated up I cooked the greens with butter, garlic and onions. With new oil I tried one more time. They didn't come out much better just edible and a bit heavy.

Next came the cod. I just fried it simply with a bit of olive oil, salt and pepper. Another mess was made. I didn't know it would fall apart as it was cooked so I did my best to cook it as it should be without burning it.

The final result; the kids ate PB & J's, Dad only ate the fish and I had to recook my fish twice.
Lesson learned: always try single portions of new recipes and concoctions.

Hahaha .... sigh

2009-07-22T10:02:00.003-07:00

I was up by eight. The kids and I were dressed, feed and ready for the day by 9:45. Things couldn't have gotten any better. The kids are in good spirits. How could they not be they ate chocolate cake for breakfast. "Mom is great, she gives us chocolate cake." We were out the door, books and blanket in hand five minutes to 10; ready and prepared for Story Time and wouldn't you know it. (Can you guess) No one came.

Alright, so I have to admit I haven't gone out of my way to promote Preschool Story Time. Being new to the neighborhood, (alright semi-new, we've been here for 4 months) I'm still unsure of how to proceed in making friends and adjusting to life in this neighborhood. Unlike school chums and co-workers that you connect with while spending the day together, the adult world of family life is new to me. With SAHM running tight ships with busy schedules I feel like a dunce announcing that my schedule is completely free and up in the air. I go through my day going at my own pace, doing things as they come along. For example today; the basement is where we'll be. Cleaning and organizing. Whatever we don't finish can be done tomorrow, because there are no plans for tomorrow. The only 2 things with a timed schedule was the Story Time and tonight is the Ward activity as 7pm, which we'll be leaving the house a quarter after 6pm. Whatever else gets done today is just on the wing. If the kids continue to play nicely and in good spirits then we'll probably spend a part of the afternoon organizing their toys. It's less of a hassle if they're not crying and screaming at each other.

I see the kids running around all the time but rarely any parents with free time. I'll see them driving away to run errands or activities or while they're walking to their cars to these things. I'm intimidated. Period. These people have lives, jobs, schedules, families that live next door and year long friendships. I have none of these. I feel like a child going up to a house and asking if little Jane if she can come out and play when she's already gone to Sarah's.

Prompt Tuesday #65

2009-07-21T16:26:00.002-07:00

By San Diego Momma
Three words today:

Ancient, visionary, coma

Extra bonus points: Incorporate words into a dream sequence.

Please post your submission in the comments OR post in your blog and leave a link to your blog in the comments.

As I lay here in my unconscious state, I am taken back into the ancient stories once told to me as a young boy. The world continues to move around me as these tales run vividly through my mind. I step back into the day during the cold harsh winter survived only by my Great Grandmother as she went from house to house begging for a place to stay. Finally coming upon the generous Earl of Canterbury. She entered his home faint and inches from death. Once fed, warm and in full strength she was put to work assisting the Doctor in his vain attempt to save the lives of the Earl's wife and child. I can see her face grave with fear that if she does not provide the miracle desperately needed that she will find herself out in the frozen air once more. Being a visionary woman she studies her shells for her next move. Astonished by what she finds and more worried then ever, she focuses all her care to the small toddler. Bathing the child in warm water with smelling salts. Spooning beefy broth down the childs throught and laying beside her as she slept. After two days of her constant care, the child is out of danger and just as it fortold in her shells, the mother is gone.

As I lay here in what they've diagnosed as a coma, this history of my Great Grandmother plays over and over in my mind. It drives me mad, unable to recall the rest of her life. Like a bad movie that never comes to it's happy conclusion.

Making it official

2009-07-18T00:18:00.000-07:00

I love Pandora.com. I found it doing a google search for live radio sites. Unlike most live radio this site allows you to create your own station(s). You enter in the songs/artists you enjoy listening to and from there it plays, in random order, music from your entries along with music that matches your style.

From this I've been reintroduced to music I once loved, I still love, I never knew the names to and songs I've only heard snippits of. It's also introduced me to artists I know of but never gave a good listen to. Some I've liked and others well, they get a thumbs down and I never have to hear them again. Last weekend it formally introduced me to Robin Thicke and this week it's introduced me to Phoenix.

A feature I really enjoy is the ability to bookmark songs and artists. This allows you to keep a list of songs that you can choose to purchase for your Ipod/MP3 player. I use this list to remember what music I want to purchase once I have a budget to spend. If I had a handheld gadget such as a palm pre, iphone, or blackberry I could listen to Pandora where ever I go or if my cell phone service was with Sprint or AT&T I could do the same.

It's a great site I've been using everyday. I just log in and let the music flow through the speakers with very little interuption. There are a couple 30 second commercials every now and then. The only down side is that it will only skip over a certain number of songs per hour. To continue the stream of tunes I've created 5 stations that I rotate between.

Check it out, take a stroll down memory lane and meet some new grooves. Let me know what you think .

In case you missed them here are two previous posts about Pandora.com;
July 13th "The New Favorite is..."
June 14th "Escaping out of the Mud"

They come when least expected.

2009-07-15T16:11:00.003-07:00

Well every other week I've been sitting on my lawn a quarter to 10am. Ready, set and prepared to hold Story Time for the kids in the neighborhood. Only at the first meeting did we have two families attend. The next 3 were no shows. So guess what; the morning when I'm still hiding out in the basement in my jams and morning hair do people decide to show up. Worse yet, is that the kids were the only ones to her the soft taps on the door. So they're up running around upstairs trying to entice new friends into the house. With Uncle R still sleeping I call them down, counting -5...4...3...2... I step upstairs and there is a family at the door. Ach! After yelling like a mad woman I politely tell them that Story Time is held next week. They apologize for disturbing me. I close the door, walk down stairs and suppress the urge to run back upstairs and apologize for having to hear a mad woman and tell them I'm really a nice person.

I spend the next 15 minutes sitting on the couch wallowing in self pity. I calm down as Sabrina joins me and we watch Fetch, with Ruff Ruffman. I shower and start the regular daily schedule.

I wonder how many will come next week, when I'm ready, waiting and prepared?

The New Favorite is....

2009-07-13T01:58:00.002-07:00

I don't have them very often. I remember each one; Ace of Base in the 5Th grade. No Doubt in the 8Th. Nsync was the first full time favorite (mini) obsession. Then there was a break until "The Way Up" by Pat Metheny, released in 2005 but I didn't discover it until 2007. These I could listen to over and over again, none stop. Blast it through the stereo. Hide out in my room with the headphones pushed against my ears. Creating surround sound inside my head or driving the family crazy as I fluttered around my room in complete oblivion to their protests.

I first heard this man while I was still in Ladner, over the radio and I cranked it up and danced my feet off every time it played.

I heard him again through pandora.com and Friday night I decided to google Robin Thicke.
His official site was the first stop, where you can watch this clip.
Robin Thicke : Now Playing : White in America - The Children - Robin Thicke on The Daily Show Shared via AddThis (you can skip the first 3 minutes)

Youtube was the next obvious stop where I discovered my next 2 favorite songs by Robin Thicke.

This is my #1. I just love watching him groove to his own song. Any man that can dance is fabulous in my books.

Ya, his hair got shorter as the years past. Personaly I like the long locks.

Just in case your wondering, yes, Alan Thicke is his father.

Love the Yard Sales

2009-07-11T11:41:00.002-07:00

Today was the day for a walk along down the street for some good deals. Despite the pitter patter of rain fall people still came out to buy. For the price of a full outfit for one child I purchased 2 dresses, 3 tops, a winter jacket and hat for Bina. Along with a pair of snow shoes, gloves, pants and a sweater for Connie. Toss in two toy cars, three flat board puzzles, and a magnetic puzzle thingy and the total comes $14.75.

Of course I'm happy very happy. Now it just makes me wonder about my own plans for a yard sale. I wasn't thinking to price my wares for a $1 each. Especially being without work and trying to start life over. I don't plan to only sell our gently used items to the neighborhood. I'll be putting out my handicrafts of cards, baby items and some other miscellaneous creations. I'm also thinking of adding homemade treats such as cookies, empanadas and breads. If the timing is right I could add the excess from our garden of tomatoes, green beans and squash.

When I go out to Yard sales I expect to find lower prices then normal from stores but I'm also willing to pay a fair price for things that are in good to great condition. When holding my own Yard sale I try to fall into the prices just in the middle, fair for being used but still under the general store price. So if I paid $14.75 for 16 items would it be fair for me to charge an even $20? I still see that as a great deal. The difference is only .25 cents per item. What do you think?

Did you know....

2009-07-10T23:10:00.002-07:00

That like the females of the human species, Alpaca females also travel in groups to the local toilet and wait in lines?

Summer Menu

2009-07-10T01:51:00.000-07:00

Beef and Bell Stir Fry

1 pkg stewing beef

1/2 red bell pepper

1/2 green bell pepper

1 1/2 cup water* or beef broth

2 TBS flour/corn starch

1 TBS ketchup

1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce

3 TBS soy sauce

olive oil

1/4 onion fine chopped or 1 tsp onion powder

Serve over; Angel hair noodles, Shanghai or Cantonese noodles

*add 1 1/2 tsp beef bouillon

Look over your beef and see that it is all cut to about the same size (cubed). Slice peppers to the same size. Saute peppers in olive oil to ensure that they stay crisp. Then set them aside. Cook beef. While the beef is cooking mix the remaining ingredients, minus onion. When the beef is almost done add sauce and mix for 5-10 minutes on medium-high heat. Add in peppers and onion. Turn the heat down to low and let it sit until the sauce thickens.

Serve over noodles and enjoy.

The Little Things of a Great Weekend

2009-07-06T16:37:00.000-07:00

Every Thursday I meet with a couple of friends in an endeavor to study Isaiah. It's turned out to be very insightful and leads us to many topics dealing with todays world and situations. While helping the kids clean up the toys at the home we meet in, Connie mentioned that he didn't want to go home. My friend, hearing his complaint, invited us to join her and another friend to pick cherries. An hour later we were climbing up the tree with ladders and bare feet. Picking to our hearts content. My friend, who happens to be 6 months pregnant kept herself busy by supervising. A hard task when she herself wanted to be up in the tree. At the end she got her wish. While the kids ate snacks and eyed their bounty Us three Moms were up the tree stretching to reach the tallest branches, greedy for the prize. We did pretty well and almost made it around the tree until our greed got the best of us. Of course it had to come to the one with a bun in the oven. The branch we were picking from tore with the strength from our pull. So that was that. We cleaned up, thanked the owners for their generosity and drove home. The kids were exhausted both passed up on the road. With a rude awakening it took a while to get them back out the door, down the street and into the local Mexican restaurant for dinner. No surprise they didn't eat much. I on the other hand couldn't get enough.

Friday I found myself tackling the growing mess in the kitchen. I'm always loved Disney movies and the older ones are my favorite. On TCM they featured "CandleShoe" , "Escape to Witch Mountain" and "Return to Witch Mountain". Inbetween scenes I mopped the floor, wiped the counters, did the dishes, ate lunch, tended to the kids and stormed up ideas for the future. At last I cleaned myself up and cried. For the little things and wonderment of what I'm going to do with myself as a single mom. I trudged back upstairs to start dinner. While the noodles were cooking and the chicken defrosting I called to make an appointment for Sunday and was invited to join some neighbors for their 4th of July BBQ. One little thing taken care of. I met and made new friends. Connie talked to everyone and anyone who'd listen. Bina fell in love with the trampoline. I got an offer to an interview for a Telemarketing company, another little thing started. Night came and the street fireworks were lit. Cheers and whistles ended the night.

Saturday we had friends join us to play out in on our lawn and in our makeshift fort built with the many boxes emptied from our move. For lunch we had pb&j and turkey sandwich cutouts of stars followed by homemade icecream sandwiches of chocolate chip cookies and vanilla icecream. I made them while I waited for the kids to fall asleep Friday night. After lunch we lounged around to watch Bolt, for the first time and get some thing done before dinner. As the sun set we went out for a walk. I couldn't find any matches in the house to lite the sparklers so we took the long way to the gas station to see the fireworks set off by the various houses in the neighborhood. Along our walk we spotted the regular street flames and were pleasantly surprised to spot some fireworks shot into the night sky. In the far distance we were able to spot the fireworks being shot in the next town over. Growing tired the kids took a bath, listened to the music from the PBS special and fell asleep.

We went to Church in a tired mood but the kids as always are pretty tame during Sacrament meeting. This was my first Sunday teaching Conroy's class as his official teacher. It went well if I ignored Conroy and another boys attempts to create a distraction. Conroy was not happy. The other kids however enjoyed what I had to teach about the lives of Missionaries. Of course with the promise of treats next Sunday they were more then pleased. The rest of the day was spent in poor spirits from lack of sleep. Oh well.

Over all it was a great weekend overall.

Two Sweet

2009-07-02T09:12:00.002-07:00

I awoke this morning to find my children sitting at the table quietly playing with puzzles. There were no screams or messes. It was such a pretty picture. To reward them and to again make up for my sleepy head I went of to the pantry and took out two chocolate chip cookies, one for each. I was ready to hand them over when I noticed that Bina's teeth looked really white and without spaces. On closer inspection I discovered that she had eaten some peppermint taffy. Connie also confessed to having some. Back in the pantry I found the little bag half empty. So much for the cookie. That was enough sweets for the day.

Last night they watched "Lilo and Stitch". They don't watch this movie very often because it is not one of Connie's favorites. Most of the time they distract themselves with toys while the movie is playing. Well at one point Connie decided to sit and watch. It had come to the part of the morning after Nani is told that Lilo will be taken to a new home. Nani has run out to pursue a potential job found by her friend. Lilo is left at home alone and Stitch is chased into the house by his creator. The house is destroyed with the alien laser shooter. By the time Nani reaches the house, Lilo is already taken into custody by the social worker, Bubbles. Nani is crying in protest. At this point Connie breaks down and cries. Distraught over the scene that is playing out. He comes over to me and cries in my arms. He's such a sweet and sensative soul

Once Again

2009-06-30T14:58:00.006-07:00

I woke up this morning, feed the kids, brushed my teeth, put on my shoes and we went out the door on our way to kickboxing class. We walked down to the church building only to find it empty. Of course I expected this to happen the first time, with my luck and lack of being a morning person. But why a second time, do I have to be out of bed and ready on the day they're not having class? So we kept walking and made our way around the block back to the house.

With the energy I had ready to spend kicking I spent it pulling weeds from the garden. I grew up pulling weeds. The regular thorned leaves and twisted roots. Here in Ut I find a new weed that is worse then those that sting my hand. Morning Glory (Ipomoea) - can be quite vigorous and cover objects and other plants with their bright colored blooms of white, pink, blue and orange. (from Wildflowers Galore!)

I recognized them thanks to my friend Alisha who had a patch growing all over one side of her fence. While the strawberries were in bloom I managed to keep them from taking over. Since there are no more strawberries I noticed how fast and dangerous this plant can be.

This photo I found googling;

"One striking feature of this species is its rampantly rambling manner of spreading across naked, searingly bright, hot, white sand"

With this image you can easily imagine what it could do to a garden. I pulled this weed out of the vents of the AC, from creeping through the lettuce, and hiding beneath the tomatoes. It's fully attacked a shrub on the side of the house. I'll be out again in two days pulling more of it out and probably for the rest of the growing season. It grows quickly and is able to make roots out of its vines. Oh joy. As I was pulling a fair share of weeds I began to wonder. What enemy do these plants have, besides us gardeners, that they are naturally given the ability to grow and regrow where ever they please? LOL, as if they're victims. These plants are all about survival, territorial and preditors. Out to gain every inch of good soil. They even equip themselves with seeds that can float through the breezes and hitch rides on anything fuzzy, like socks. Why can't any good plant do that? World hunger would end (if society would become generous) if vegetable plants had the same power. With an overgrown garden of vegetables I could give away the excess instead of throwing buckets of weeds into the trash. Another object lesson of the worth of hard work and patience. You've got to work a garden to reap the rewards.

The job of maintaining this years crop, our first in 9 years, was never stated out loud. I just took it on knowing that while Mom is away I'd be the one to enjoy mixing the fresh vegetables into our meals. It's going to be delicious!

Bite and Pieces

2009-06-27T21:10:00.006-07:00

Here's the spider bite. Connies ear stayed swollen for 3 days. It was bigger the day before this picture was taken.

Now here's the pieces; What's been going since my last post.

I find that I'm less likely to post when feeling down in the dumps. I may be an open book but when writing tales of my sad thoughts, here, just doesn't feel right. I tend to keep them to myself or return to my first love, the reliable pen and notebook. When I fall into these ruts the kids get time to memorize their favorite Disney movies. While I make many attempts to snap out of it and keep a clean house.

By Sunday I was on my way up, when I recieved the calling of Primary Teacher to Connie's class. The two times I substituted his class he talked nonstop. I had to ask if this was normal. His teacher confirmed what I already suspected. He'll talk forever if you let him and always for strangers. At home he'll whine, cry and avoid normal conversation. I'm sure it's partly my fault. Starting next week not only will I be teaching him the Gospel basics but I also hope to help him improve his classroom etiquette.

On Wednesday I was to host my second Neighborhood Story Time. It was a no show. To pass the time and keep the kids busy I was inspired to build a cardboard town. With all the empty boxes stacked in the garage the possibilites are endless.

Thursday; our neighbors joined us in our BoxTown. The whole day was spent outside playing going in and out of the boxes, riding bikes, scooters with a picnic lunch and lots of chitchat for the mommies.

Friday; The floor was once again clean, laundry was in the wash, the bathroom sparkled and much fussing was made by Connie. That night for dinner we had peppered steaks, breaded & fried zucchini, baked potatoes and salad. It was on time, served at 6:01pm. Grandpa has always demanded that it be served at that time. I can't hide the fact that I was proud of myself. I had everything timed perfectly. Then the rest of the night was a drag. The men left and I sat upstairs rethinking all that is wrong in my life, hohum, and it was an alright day. It just takes one stupid little thing. Ugh.

Saturday; A lazy start. Fruit for breakfast. A rush to dress and out the door to the Utah Art Festival with Grandpa. For lunch we had Curry Chicken, BBQ and rice. We walked around the stands admiring the many talents on display. At 2pm we went over the SLCC building for story time told by a Native American. Of course my memory blanks on the lack of interest the kids have in these types of things. They were much more content walking around aimlessly through the crowds to see the metal scultures and artwork. So there we 'sat' as the monotone voice carried through the small room. Grandpa called and shortly after we left. I have to remember that when out with him I need to ask how long we'll be out. Not knowing we'd be leaving so soon (2-3hours) I had made a mental plan that after storytime we would go get ice cream then head over the the childrens section to play and see all the neat toy creations. Having already walked for a little over an hour in the sun sitting in an airconditioned building for an hour sounded like a good idea. Apparently Grandpa didn't like our wasting of time. Oh well. Next time, I'll remember to check with him about the details of our outing.

Lucky me, Grandpa had bought ice cream the night before so I did not fault on my promise. Shortly after we were out again in the glorious sun on our way to a nieghborhood Flea Market. It was held inside a home very well set up with creations by various crafters. There were wall hangings, girly hair clips, baby slippers, girls dresses, candle wax, makeup, scrapbooking items, books, lockets, Americana decor, candy and baked goods. I got a steal on scrapbook paper, 10 cents each, a black belt and a set of 8 stamps for $2 each. We made a stop at the park then home again for some down time before a dinner of left overs. The kids are bathed and in bed but still awake.

The miracle of the week;

It has only happened once and I don't expect a repeat performance, as much as I wish it would. The kids fell asleep within 5 minutes of being put into bed. Both of them out like a light. You'd think I'd remember when this miracle happened.

Escaping out of the Mud.

2009-06-14T22:57:00.002-07:00

Oh what a wonderful blessing it is to be able to escape all that torments my soul. Even if but for a moment. As I sit reading a favorite book; one to inspire, uplift, and trasnport me into a world all my own. I use books when I just can't face the troubles and loose myself in their pages. It helped me this weekend, until I finished the book and realized that I hadn't done a very good job at being Mommy. I used to read all the time, now I am careful to keep it to a minimum. Of course there are just those days when a book calls out to me.

It all comes crashing down once the children are asleep, all that makes my heart ache. Everything I wish I could run away from but can't. I let it all sink in; my mistakes, lack of companionship, the differences that stand between my family and I, the burden of single motherhood, the failure and desire to improve.

Tonight I found another escape, one that I haven't used in a long time. When I was still married, there were many nights when I would sit and sing the hymns found with the Church Hymn Book. Tonight instead of singing, I listened to the inspired works similar to the peaceful grace of the Hymns. At pandora.com you can create a variety of personal radio stations that play music according to the artists and songs you enter into it's search. I have one set up to relate to the music of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Only recently have I truly enjoyed this genre of music. When in my youth I would blast the walls with Nsync, No Doubt, and the like. Listening to this music now, I see the difference it creates. It's definatly feel good music but nothing compared to what I am now, listening to. This is peace. I could sleep without thought of past events, wrong doings or worries of tomorrow. I sit here and instead of asking "Why, why me?" I find myself thanking Heavenly Father for all that is, all that's to come and all that's happened in my life. For without it how could I truly enjoy the peaceful moments, the joy that penetrates my sorrow, when I think I have none. An escape like this. All those who have been blessed with the talent to create such works of art through their music. So that I can sit, relax and be still.

Most of my life has been effected by my own personal choices. I have learned to place blame where it does not belong. I slowly learning to get over myself and get out there. This moment in time, comes thanks to the wonderful gift of music. Music that is quiet and reverberates with such power as to put to rest the giants crashing against my soul.

Sick Days

2009-06-13T09:58:00.003-07:00

Here in this house, they are gauranteed to happen whenever the weather becomes cold enough. I have yet to discover if it's a cold bug that attacks my children or the change in air pressure that plays with their sinuses. They rarely if ever get a fever. A slight headache comes over them from time to time. Their main sign of illness is the full trash bin of tissues lined with their mucous.

I keep them home so it won't spread it around. This time around we've been having pajama days filled with movies. The first day they were just miserable. With rest their spirits have been much happier. If only it would work on their noses. I don't give them any dairy while their sick. They drink nothing but OJ and water. This time around I'm giving them Tylonal: Cold and Allergy on a regular basis. It seems to be making a slight difference. The real proof will be to see if they get better quicker. Their colds can last 2-3 weeks. It's no fun.

Doing Good, could be Better

2009-06-10T15:54:00.002-07:00

I'm awake and ready by 9:30 AM!! Woohoo. Ok for all of you early birds, this, for me is progress. Not only that but the kids aren't putting up a fuss anymore about getting dressed! YES! This is a good week, so far. The only bumps are that the TV is still on. Although I've cut their time more in half, it's made a difference. I can't wait to see what'll happen when I cut it completely. The other bump happened during StoryTime. We had 6 kids come with their Mom's and they seemed to enjoy themselves. Connie and Bina however were so excited to have people over that they couldn't sit still. They talked, showed off their toys and were running around every where. If I want the next meeting to be calmer and with less interuptions I'm going to have to teach them how to sit nicely and listen to the Stories.

I've taught Connie's Sunday School class twice now and he's just as talkative. I'm going to be sure to ask his teacher if he's always that way or it was just because I was in there room.

Does anyone have any tips? I can get them to sit nicely, while waiting for something; to go out, watch a movie, dinner. When surrounded by others they just bounce off the walls. It should be the other way around shouldn't it??

NO MORE CARTOONS!!!!

2009-06-08T22:19:00.002-07:00

I'm an awful Mommy. When I'm down and out my kids are stationed infront of the TV. I've been out for a while now, so the kids have become attached to their cartoons. The strawberry patch has provided some modivation. It's growing like a weed and every other day I'm picking more then the last. If you've got any strawberry recipes, please pass them along. Even giving them away there's still plenty left over. I'm also going to make an effort to go to the excersize classes on Tue and Thurs at Church. Along with that I've started a StoryTime for the preschool kids in the neighborhood. The library is too far away and me without a car I'd thought starting my own reading group for the kids would be a good idea. The first one is this Wednesday, I hope it turns out well.

Ok so, those things will get us out of the house. What to do while in the house? First things first, I'm going to have to become an early bird. *sigh* If I want a shower & ME time, I'm going to have to wake up before they do. Usually I shower while they watch their shows and Me time happens once they fall asleep at night. This has worked out alright but each day their getting smarter and into more trouble. So this is the last post that will be written the night before. They will now be written in the past tense, unless by some luck I find a moment to post during the regular hours of the day.

Since there will be no need to rely on the tube to be their babysitter while I ready myself for the day, it will stay off. Oi, but then what. I've got plenty of things for them to do, ideas taken from books and other Mom's. The one little problem is that since having my own kids I discovered I have no patience. I inherited this quality from my Dad. I can not stand to repeat myself. If I do, I get louder and louder. It drives me nuts, the repetition and the rise in volume. I go crazy. So this week, will need a lot of patience on my part. More then normal. I'm hoping that by getting more sleep, my temperment will be easier to manage. I've always been a bossy person and once I start I usually don't stop because I just don't feel like it. Awful, I know.

I'm also hoping that by eliminating Television and engrossing my kids in better activities, despite my mood and emotional state, that they'll be more eager to sleep at night. Naps have already been taken out of our schedule. It's made no difference. Just to be sure, I'm also going to stop giving them any sugar; juice, snack, dessert, after 2pm. I really hope this works.

I guess this is where I should stop, before I ramble on anymore. If I'm going to get more sleep, now would be the time.

Fair or Foul?

2009-06-08T05:13:00.001-07:00

The Freedom of Speach, Freedom of expression, when does it go to far? To me it's obvious. When it's unproductive, negative, derogatory and a means to create choas and hate between persons/people.

I've never enjoyed hearing swear words being spit out of anyones mouth. More saddening has been when it comes from the mouths of babes. Society, once upon a time was much more eloquent with it's words. Yes, curse words were uttered way back when. Only by a certain class of folk. Even then it was within the walls of their own homes or private locations.

Now you can't go anywhere without being assulted by it. It's even made it into our homes, through the radio, tv, computer. It's slowly but surely disguised itself. That what was once considered R rated is now PG 13. How long will it be when it's PG?

I love my family dearly. I love them for simply being my family and always will. Unfortunatly I don't love what they say. So far with sharing a residence with the R, my kids have been oblivious, but not for much longer. I'm the talker of the family, so I can find plenty to say without resorting to slang and the chosen word of the day. I notice for a lot of people to pronounce thier feelings and thoughts without the help of a curse word is very difficult. When at a loss for words, the only ones that come to mind are bad and not the most helpful.

I'm sure I've written about this before and if not, then here it is. What brings it up today is that soon my children will be aware of these words. Then a few years down the road these words may be directed at them or while in conversation with friends (and regretably, family). Today it was shown to me how soon and easy that day will come. In a photo of I with the kids, is a description of them. Along side Bina's name is a word that has always been used against woman. Even if now some use it as an empowering comment towards a female, it is still and always will be a negative. To connect this word with anyone always comes the reputation as being a bully, mean spirited, spiteful, unpleasant, violent, harsh (dog)person. So why on earth, would you attach it to a 2 year old little girl??? No matter how you meant to use it. To call her a princess then this word is outragous! Of course I sent her a note, and her reply was that I respect her freedom of expression. Sure, but why not respect a 2 year old child who is innocent of all faults and who is in love with her Aunt? UGH!!!

How did they know?

2009-06-04T16:07:00.002-07:00

This was the comic strip from yesturday's paper. Just so you know, there are no plans to shoot myself. Turning 26 hasn't changed my life.

Easy Piece of Pie

2009-06-04T02:09:00.002-07:00

When I didn't have enough apples to make apple pie, I looked over the fruit in the basket and wondered what I could make instead. I love the Foodnetwork channel and it's website. There I found the easiest pie recipe.

Ingredients

ready to eat pie crust or prebaked pie crust,

any fresh fruit,

1 package of instant chocolate or vanilla pudding.

Line your pie crust with chopped or sliced fruit of your choice. Prepare pudding as instructed on the box. Pour over fruit. Place in the fridge and let it chill and firm for 3-4 hours. For 2 pies line fruit to fill half the crust and split pudding between the two pie crusts.

Serve with whipped cream.

Enjoy

Expansions

2009-06-03T06:49:00.000-07:00

Well, as if this blog wasn't enough I've also become a contributor to the Family Home Evening blog. My first entry was posted yesturday. I'm curious to know what everyone will think of my ideas, so if you should check it out, please let me know. If you don't know what FHE is, it's a night designated by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, for it's members, to spend with their families. No meetings are scheduled for that night. For more info just check out either of the above links.

I've also restarted the blog I set up for the kids. I realized I wasn't writing much about them and with all the websites, supposedly, out there that print out your blog, it'd be great for scrapbooking.

Now let's see how long I can keep 3 blogs going.

Just notes

2009-06-01T00:46:00.000-07:00

The kids are sleeping. I had a good Sunday. I read the scriptures and as always it was good. Dinner turned out really good. The only complaint was from Dad. He mentioned adding queso fresco to the enchiladas when I made them, Red. Nesli wanted green so I didn't think to add it to them. Oh well, next time.

I'm doing ok. I'm ready and willing to wait and be patient. It's just everything that happens inbetween. I realized, now that Bert is out of school we'll probably be in a constand sound and space war. I plan to spend a lot of time outside with the kids. I just don't know how the house will look like when you come back. I'll have to figure something out. This more then anything makes me anxious to get my own place. The house is full of sounds that I don't enjoy or want the kids to be around. There is no real place for us to be. Even if we were to stay in our rooms, all the sounds penitrate the walls and well the kids would go nuts. I want to be able to not have to deal with curse words and anything vulgar or violent. It's not my house to ban these things and more then anything I want to be rid of them. This weekend started out great until I was reminded how different I am from everyone else in the family. I felt like I was little again in Grandma's house. As much as I loved going there, once there I was stuck in the middle. To little to converse with the adults, not a boy to play with the Drum, B and Dk, as always Nesli and I just clashed and well the babies were still just babies. As much as I love having family around the thrill ends once there present. I hate it. I've thought about just buckling down and 'enjoying' their likes, but I can't. It depresses me and I just look even dumber then what they already think I am. Ugh. Anyways....

I'm excited about the Preschool book club I'm starting next week. They'll be every other Wednesdays. I'm also beginning to make a friend with our neighbor across the street. She'll be hosting play dates over the summer. I'm also going to start going to kickboxing and pilates every week. Another reason to get out of the house and the kids will have friends to play with there. This week is Pony Express Days, so I'll be sure to check it out with the kids.