Last days

Where O, where to begin. Do I distress about all the marriage jitters? Do I unload my lack of abilities? Or can I just yell until there is no more breath in my body? So many things run rampant inside my head. Soon my life as a single mother will be over. so why am I not leaping for joy? I will once again have my own little home to care for and create in it my own paradise and sanctuary from the world. My room is a disaster area. Things all over the place waiting to be put into boxes. Perhaps if I decluttered my room, I'd have the practice and be able to do the same with my head.

There are times when I just feel useless. For many temporal and earthly reasons. I don't have a career, drivers license, money, nothing to my name that is of any real use or value to anyone or even myself. I spend many moments wondering what good am I to anyone? Currently my biggest hope is that as a wife to the wonderful, hard working Mr. Berry. I can prove myself that I am still of use to someone. Yes I know, I am a mother and the kids need me. We all know that this is different. At least it seems to me. The kids need me out of necessity, circumstance. Mr. Berry would need me out of want, companionship and fulfillment.

Even with so many things to do and prepare for I still get the feeling that nothing is being accomplished. My room is still a disaster zone. Everything must go into boxes. Making sure I separate the junk from the rest of the stuff. Then to divide that stuff so that it can fit into our little trailer. Making due with the limited choices of housing in the tiny town we'll be calling home. Many of my crafting materials will be left behind. Half the kids books and larger toys will stay with Grandma. I may even reopen a box to leave some of my own books behind.

My parents are amazing. So helpful, supportive and willing to do all they can to get me on my feet again. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to them.

Soon I'll be leaving their home and making my own. To start out we'll be pinching our pennies and the first to go is the internet. Sigh. Well I can still remember a time when I lived without it. I'm sure i could do it again. With 2 kids, 3 if you count Mr. Berry then I should have plenty to occupy myself with. I'll be posting everyday the goings on here before I return to my pen and papers.